Raising Teens during COVID-19

Banner photo by Mariia Skovpen/iStock

Being a teenager has always been tough. But try doing it in a pandemic: spending all day with your boring parents and marking milestone events—graduations, proms, birthdays—on Zoom.

Being a parent is tough, too. But try doing it in a pandemic: spending all day telling your truculent teens to stop playing video games and worrying that their well-being is suffering with schools closed.

“We are all extraordinarily overwhelmed and blindsided by the fact that dealing with COVID is really not a sprint, it’s a marathon,” says Elyssa Jacobson Ackerman, an expert at helping families take care of their mental health—and each other. “The very first thing is to acknowledge that it’s awful for everybody and it’s terrible for teens in particular.”

Ackerman (’88, CAS’90) is a licensed clinical social worker and certified professional coach who works primarily with families and teenagers. She says her goal is to “provide families raising teens, tweens, and young adults with the opportunity to get clarity on how to best raise them.”

For many people, that clarity’s been hard to find. According to an August 2020 Kaiser Family Foundation poll, more than two-thirds of parents worried about the social and emotional impacts of school closures on their children. They were concerned about their own health, too: more than half of women with children under 18 said they were anxious about negative impacts to their mental health because of the pandemic; close to half of men with kids felt the same way.

As well as running her own private practice, Strategic Parent, Ackerman is a clinician at the Soho Parenting Center in New York City and a volunteer with YearUp.org. She’s also a parent of three children, including a college senior, and recently helped CGS develop a wellness week to better advance student health.

Ackerman spoke with Collegian about supporting children and young adults through the pandemic, preparing for the issues they may face after it, and working with families impacted by racism.

Collegian: What question have you been asked most by parents since the pandemic began?

Ackerman: I think parents are very concerned that kids are shuttered up in their rooms on their digital: they’re either on Zoom with school or they’re consuming incredible amounts of media. They’re concerned about the digital footprint of their kids, which has been a topic that I’ve been covering for the last five years. And also the increase in gaming, which for many kids is really a lifeline socially. My advice prior to COVID-19 is very different from my advice now.

In the past, I really limited digital use to the weekends, leaving the week to school, sports, playdates, and just free unstructured time doing whatever to develop our passions and interests. Now, with such severe social isolation, I’m finding that for many of our youth, multiplayer games link families and friends together. I have witnessed and heard of families teaching their grandparents how to play Minecraft and logging on together. Relaxing weekday playing so that kids have a chance to connect with friends is something to consider. That said, those digital privileges are currency to make sure other areas like homework, chores, physical exercise, outdoor time, reading, hobbies, and just being bored are happening. These are all imperative to have balance—and, potentially, better emotional and physical well-being.

What are some of the tips you’ve been sharing with parents to help them support their teens and tweens?

The essence of teens is to separate from your family and figure out who you are. COVID hijacks that process. They can’t escape. They can’t go do whatever they do or have other adult relationships, which is really key for teenagers. Even though parents are your guides and most important role models, your coaches, teachers, people that come into your life through whatever experiences you have, those are people that really help inform you and help you figure out who you are. Acknowledging that that is all a loss is super important.

And then coming up with a plan. Planning is the key: having a family plan and meeting as a family weekly and mapping out schedules. I like parents and families to understand what all the moving parts are, what everybody is doing, and to make sure that there’s a balance of socializing, physical activity, tech breaks, and tech-free zones. And self-care, everybody has to do that, whatever that is for you: grabbing a coffee, cuddling with your kids and watching a movie, meditating, yoga, running—it doesn’t even matter, but something.

We’re in unprecedented times and it’s very easy to become complacent because we’re so preoccupied with our own individual realities of just making it through the day. Gratitude and helping others are key to our mental health. When we can identify what we are grateful for, daily, we feel better. We also feel better when we are helping others. Whether it is something small and simple like cleaning up around the house or making and donating masks, these acts can take us outside of ourselves, allow us to recognize the benefit of the greater good, and give us a feeling of being in this together. Teens are great activists, they’re very decisive and ardent about their opinions, so put that to work.

As a parent, I think a lot about the issues kids will be facing after the pandemic. What are the things you’re concerned about and how are you advising parents and families to prepare for that?

Because I deal with young adults and teens of all ages, it really depends. For the young adults, it’s a question of really rethinking their education and then what’s going to happen after because of the professional landscape—job opportunities and financial instability. I’m a big believer in finding your passion and getting to work on that. There’s no time like the present to make yourself useful and develop whatever those interests are and turn them into some sort of action plan: find a mentor, network with your friends.

For teens, I think a lot of kids are really worried about getting into college or how they are going to enter into the workforce. And so teens should take a breath and just do what’s in front of them, be the best students they can be, and be as well rounded as they can. You can’t solve that which you don’t know, so it’s an exercise in positive thinking and to not worry so much about things that they cannot control.

And for the younger kids, they’re digital natives. Part of that is great—they’re connected to the web, they have access to all sorts of information. But the interpersonal learning isn’t there. They don’t know facial cues, they don’t know how to read body language, how to resolve a conflict, or how to tell if someone’s upset. And so I worry with the reliance on digital for so much of their world right now that they will further miss out on that interpersonal learning that is so key to developing human relationships.

The past year has taken a huge toll on our mental health: is there anything in our response to the pandemic that we can draw a positive from?

The other thing that I do hear and read about is that because we’re spending so much more time with our families—for better or worse—there are some people who say it’s a gift. Prior to this, I personally feel that we were headed in the wrong direction from a value perspective. We valued being busy, moving at warp speed, leaving us scattered; our family time, our ability to carve out value-laden, morally conscious, unified family dynamics, was skewed. And so it’s given parents and families an opportunity to cherish the time together and enjoy family time. I realize there are people and communities who are struggling with financial uncertainty, housing instability, and job loss, and for them, family togetherness may or may not be the silver lining. The practical and emotional effects of those major life stressors on people is not to be underestimated. It is those less fortunate that need our generosity and attention.

The pandemic has been disproportionately affecting people of color, while 2020 was also marked by protests against police brutality. How are you helping families who have been impacted by racism?

I decided to pursue an advanced clinical training degree in couples and family therapy given the demand out there. I chose the Ackerman Institute because of its focus on social justice. As a white heterosexual female, my worldview and what I bring to the room is very different than those I might be sitting with who are not white. It’s very important for therapists to be comfortable bringing up race, ethnicity, and gender identity, to talk about one’s particular lenses openly to make people feel comfortable sharing their realities. Many people of color do not seek therapy and we as a profession have to be more available for everyone. The name of the game is to work against institutional racism—my goal is to achieve that regardless of who I’m working with.

Any other messages for people to help them take care of themselves?

Self-care, self-care, self-care. Pay attention to how you’re feeling and take some time to nurture yourself. As parents, we have such limited time to ourselves. The “apply your oxygen mask to yourself before affixing to your child” applies. If we want to show up at home, at work, with our extended families and friends, and in our communities, we need to take care of ourselves, whether that means meditating, regular exercise, calling or Zooming with friends or family, or reading a good book. Make your time nurturing as well as productive. We all need something to look forward to. Make plans for what you will do when we all emerge from this pandemic.

Struggling? Need help?

CGS and other BU students can find mental health resources and support at BU Student Health Services.