402
CAROLE KOHANIM
May the second
I cannot say how I feel about my fiancee. I have talked about
her with my Doctor and he says that I am a racist in reverse. It
really hurt me when he said that. But he is a black man too so he
would have no reason to hurt me. I just felt like killing someone
when he said that. I just felt like killing someone when he said
that. Then my fiancee came in to visit me and I told her what my
Doctor had said to me. I explained that it had nothing to do
with
her being white or with us having an interracial marriage. But she
didn't hear me. She just turned white and started crying. Not really
crying. I could tell she was holding it in, but
still
there were tears
running down her cheeks.
Now
if
I were going to do
this
scene in a movie, I would prob–
ably have a flashback to an incident that happened before I came
into the Hospital. It was last year when Melanie - that's my
fiancee - and I were living together. We weren't engaged then.
I had been telling Melanie how sometimes I felt like killing someone
to teach him a lesson and she got upset and went into the living
room and started studying. I went into the kitchen and I saw
this
big knife lying in the
sink.
I don't know why but I picked it up
and crept up behind Melanie and then I yelled her name and pre–
tended to stick her, but it was only a joke. I know that because I
was laughing when I did it and wasn't mad at her like I am some–
times. Anyway Melanie screamed and then she started crying. But
she promised me she'd never tell anyone and then we went
into
the bedroom and made love for a long time and after a while she
felt better and forgot about
it.
That's one thing I like about Melanie. She always forgets about
things. Like today when I told her about being a racist in reverse,
after a while she looked okay again. And then we just talked about
Anthony. Anthony's
this
soul-brother of mine who dropped out of
school because he's going with a white
girl
and he got upset and
couldn't study anymore. So now he's been drafted and he's planning
to go in.
So we talked about Anthony for a while and then Melanie
had
to go and she kissed me good-!bye. I said "Je t'aime" like I always do.
May the third
I wish they had more
to
do in
this
hospital. I'm getting
very
