Everything Guide

Your Everything Guide to Dropping Off Your Freshman at College

Pride? Check. Tears? Definitely check. Parents and guardians with new college students, this one’s for you

It’s a scene that repeats every year at Boston University.

You bring your freshman to campus and help them move into their dorm room. You crank the box fan you just bought from Target, help fit the sheets and comforter onto their twin XL bed, fold or hang up their BU gear, and get their desk organized (and finally say phew). Next, you go out and meet the friends they made at Orientation and maybe grab a bite in the closest dining hall or somewhere along Comm Ave. You take a picture of them in front of a BU sign or outside Fenway Park or on Marsh Plaza or overlooking Nickerson Field. 

But eventually, inevitably, you run out of tasks to accomplish, pictures to take, and questions to ask. It’s time. 

For parents and guardians, dropping off a child at college for the first time can be a hurricane of emotions. (Pride? Check. Tears? Definitely check.) Who’s going to help them when they get into trouble? Who’s going to care about them as much as you do?

The worries continue long after you’ve driven or flown back home. This might be your student’s first time living in a big city or managing a mental health condition or food allergy by themselves. So much of what’s going to happen in their lives is now out of your control—and that thought alone can be frightening.

So how do you deal with your own life transition?

BU experts have plenty of advice.

BU Today spoke to a handful of administrators and mental health clinicians to put together our latest Everything Guide—helping parents manage post-move-in anxiety. They have a slew of tips for handling your worries, plus advice and resources for how to cope with common sources of concern and some handy dos and don’ts to keep in mind. 

The key to surviving an empty, or emptier, nest? Perspective.

“With transitions of all kinds, it’s easy for our minds to fixate on the loss, even when the transition is happening for very good reasons and there are wonderful things to come,” says Mathilde Ross, BU Behavioral Medicine staff psychiatrist. 

“Yes, this is the end of you taking care of your child,” she says. “But this is the beginning of your relationship with a lovely young adult.” 

Part 1: Avoiding Parental Paralysis

What to keep in mind when you feel like you’re losing your mind

Imagine: it’s been a few weeks since drop-off and you’re sitting in the kitchen or lying in bed, mentally running through every possibility of what could go wrong while your son or daughter is in school. A day or two goes by, and your mind won’t stop returning to its list of worst-case scenarios. 

Before you get too far over the edge, remember this: “Catastrophizing is not helpful to anyone and tends to deplete your capacity to be rational and empathic,” says Colleen McGuire (SSW’24), clinical intake coordinator at BU’s Faculty & Staff Assistance Office (FSAO), which regularly works with BU staffers and their families to address mental-health concerns. 

Instead, McGuire says, work on walking yourself back by recognizing that your child has already navigated new and challenging situations, like starting at a new school or taking on a part-time job or maybe getting cut from an athletic team. Also, keep in mind that BU has a considerable network of faculty and staff whose jobs are to look out for your student.

What are other ways to help manage recurring anxiety? “Exercise, mindfulness, talking with others who’ve been through the same experience,” McGuire says, and just being kind to yourself during the transition period. Or, if you find yourself fixating on particular worries, like whether they’re still wearing shorts in the middle of a Boston winter or if they’ll remember to rent vacuums from ResLife when their dorm room is dirty, start by writing them down, recommends Christy Loring, director of Parent & Family Programs in the Dean of Students office.

“Getting your worries out of your head and onto a piece of paper is always a helpful start,” Loring says. “Then maybe you follow up with your student later about whatever it is you’re worried about.”

Finally, remember that you don’t have to understand your child’s situation to be supportive. Even if you didn’t go to college yourself or you never took calculus or you never lived farther than a 20-minute drive from home, you can still be a source of help and comfort. 

“Being a parent is not knowing every answer or foreseeing every problem,” Ross says. “It’s being there when they need you, acting as a soundboard for their ideas, and not becoming undone in the moment. Sometimes you just need to be reminded of that.” 

Dos and don’ts

Do stay informed about what’s happening on campus. “The more a parent knows about the University, the more they know that their student has resources available to them, the better off they feel,” Loring says. (Pro tip: Sign up for emails from BU Today and our sister publications, follow these BU Instagram accounts, and get to know the Parent & Family Programs website.) That could translate to subtly suggesting they attend an event you saw plugged online or utilizing a specific resource—such as the Sargent Choice Nutrition Center for help planning meals around a food intolerance. Just don’t push.

But don’t try to solve every problem. It’s fine to suggest resources for your student, but let them do the actual problem-solving. If they have an issue with a roommate or a professor, stay out of it. “Learning to become an independent adult is a critical part of college,” Loring says. “If a parent continues to swoop in and solve problems, their student will never learn.”

Do ease off the texting. It can be difficult for students to grow into their independence if mom or dad is messaging them every hour. Remember when you first moved out and there were no cell phones? How often did you call home? Take the pressure off your student—and support their burgeoning independence—by following healthy boundaries for contacting each other. “Let them know you don’t expect them to respond immediately to every message you leave,” says Karen Brouhard, a clinician and FSAO director. “Unless there’s an emergency, don’t interrupt what you’re doing to take their call and communicate that you don’t expect them to do that either.” If you have a family group chat, consider starting a different one without them so they don’t see everything happening back home. 

And don’t overreact to their expressions of distress. Adjustment pains are part of any change, especially one as major as starting at a large and competitive university. Don’t jump the gun if your student expresses they’re having a hard time. “Unless there is reason to be concerned about their safety, help them bear their pain and discomfort,” Brouhard says. “Don’t jump on a plane to visit because they say they’re lonely and miserable or start researching transfer options during their first semester.”

Part 2: How to Handle Common Concerns

College presents myriad new challenges and pressures for students. Passing classes, making friends, learning how to coexist in a dorm environment—there’s a lot on their plates right now, and no shortage of potential for screwups. “Part of being a parent of a young adult is understanding that they’re going to fall on their face sometimes,” Ross says. 

Families, too, feel the stress, particularly as tuition costs keep rising around the country and the pressure to get a good return on your investment mounts. But no matter what concerns you might have, she says, the number one most important thing during the college transition is the quality of your relationship with your child. 

“If they feel like you listen and you’ve got their back, but you’re not needlessly in their business, they’re going to give you a call when they’re in trouble or struggling,” Ross says. “But if they feel like you’re only going to overreact or nitpick, they’re not going to call when they’re in a crisis, and that can go in bad directions.”

Money, grades, health, nutrition, social life, it doesn’t matter—“keep the relationship in front of everything else,” she says.

Academics

Look, adjusting to university-level courses—and grading—can be a doozy for anyone, even for students used to taking Advanced Placement classes or for ACT and SAT high scorers. It’s important to give your student time to get used to the academic bump-up (amid everything else they’re getting used to) and not get on their case about individual grades. And remember, you won’t know their grades unless they decide to tell you. “If you’re nagging them about getting a B minus, and it’s making them not want to come home for Thanksgiving, you’re doing something wrong,” Ross says.

Success in any area often comes from intrinsic motivation, she continues. If they’re studying something they genuinely find interesting and not just chasing a grade, they’re more likely to do well in class and feel less anxious in the process. “I actually think you’re promoting their ability to be successful if you don’t focus on grades,” she says, “but on their intrinsic interests and what they want [out of their classes].” 

So instead of asking about how they did on an essay, be their sounding board for project ideas or ask what interesting topics they’re studying lately. Hey, an earful about Writing 120 or Introduction to Programming is always better than the silent treatment.

Helpful resource: The Educational Resource Center provides a range of academic support to students, from tutoring to workshops. Each college has its own support offerings as well. You can also encourage your student to attend office hours for one-on-one help from their professors and teaching assistants. 

Finances

There’s no world in which money will cease to be a source of stress for families. Add tuition costs to Boston’s high cost of living in general—plus the looming questions around student-loan repayments—and you can already have a pressure cooker situation before your student’s first step onto Commonwealth Avenue. 

“These are real tensions,” Ross acknowledges. Of course, reminding your student of how much you’re paying for their education is never helpful, not to mention redundant. “Chances are your kid already knows how much money you’re paying, and chances are they already feel bad about it,” she says. 

Instead, if you’re stressing about money, focus on the resources at your and your student’s disposal. Financial Assistance is a wealth of information and has helpful tools for figuring out how to pay for school. The Center for Career Development can assist them with the search for paid internships and the Student Employment Office can help with finding work-study or part-time jobs.

Helpful resources: Everyone with a BU email address can sign up for Kindros, a free money-management and financial-knowledge platform that can help users get in control of their financial landscape. Read more about Kindros here. Worried about affording professional clothing? Tell them to visit the Center for Career Development’s free Professional Clothing Closet.

Mental health

You’ve seen the studies. Young people report increasingly high rates of anxiety and depression. For parents of a student with a preexisting mental health condition, sending them off to college can be a major source of worry. That’s where preplanning comes in.

Ross recommends establishing care in Boston before coming to BU or making it a top priority for the fall semester. “Even if you have a condition that’s stable, it’s better to be tapped into care with the right specialist instead of waiting to see if something goes wrong,” she says. And if your student is on any medication, she adds, a period of major life transition is also not the time to change doses or try new medications. 

For some students, this might be their first time managing a health issue on their own. Part of attending college is learning how to care for yourself. Let your student take the lead on things like managing appointments and prescriptions, Ross says, and step in only if you notice them struggling.

Students who don’t have preexisting conditions can also be impacted by mental health struggles at any time. Know that BU has a litany of resources to assist your student with whatever they might find themselves dealing with, from anxiety to disordered eating. And don’t forget, you want to make sure that your relationship is strong enough that they come to you if they’re having difficulties.

Helpful resource: Check out this list of campus mental health services to learn about all the different offerings available to BU students.

Partying

Drinking is a part of the college social landscape. At some point your student will end up someplace where alcohol is present. With that in mind, two things are especially important here: knowledge and community. 

First, it’s crucial that your student understands some drinking basics. Talk to them about how alcohol affects your body and your mental capacity, the dangers of drinking on an empty stomach, and the risks that come with mixing substances, for starters. They should also know what to do in case of an emergency—and make sure they understand they will never be punished for seeking help for themselves or others. 

It’s also just as critical that your student has friends they trust around them. Encourage them to attend dorm events, sign up for clubs, talk to the other students in their classes or at meals—whatever gets them out and meeting people, even if it feels intimidating at first. “Friends are the people who make sure that everyone goes home together,” Ross says. “That’s why I tell people the number one job during freshman year is making friends.”

That said, partying is not the be-all and end-all of socializing in college. You can also remind them of the hundreds of clubs, intramural sports, and school events to fill their days and evenings. “There are so many things to do that don’t involve drinking at all,” Loring says. “Students need not feel pressure to drink when there’s so much else they could do instead.”

Helpful resources: Check out this guide to drinking basics and smart partying, courtesy of Behavioral Medicine. Worried about drink spiking? Make sure they read this guide for what BU students should do if they think their drink or a friend’s was drugged. Finally, check out BU’s Good Samaritan policy. 

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