ROBIN MAGOWAN
241
put on weight. There everything budded-at times thirty or forty
pages a day. I stayed only six weeks, but when the house again became
vacant in early September, I moved back . My thoughts were then
much focussed on Ling. That I had now a political program, a way of
seeing myself in relation to others, was, I think wholly her doing . I
also wanted to write up my mescaline experiences. This involved cer–
tain deletions; since Ling couldn't imagine an underground career
that could survive that kind of exposure. I had a draft more or less
complete when the last letter came, dated October 7:
to robin,
i wish i could come up with whatever could disguise itself
as
the correct manner and right words to present what i
am
about to say; it would be a disguise, though right on, and so
i really won't even consider trying. there are probably several
reasons why i
am
endeavoring to communicate with you
1. because if nothing else i think you wi/l appreciate this very
brief "manuscript" that i enclose.
a.
that is because i carry around this rather intellectually
vague idea that you'd like to get at some of the white
roots of this country besides the ones we all, and
perhaps you especially, already know so much about;
that means something about "country and western"
as
well.
b. where the last picture show ended this begins.
2. because certain things i was doing mentally while staying
with you last year have brought
me
here to this; I remem–
ber (among so much) that you once said to
me
something
like you hoped i would be able to actualize
my
militancy
both by being
a
little more verbally clear
as
well
as
make
some kind of tangible connections.
7/ 9/73 11
·p.m. BEGIN AGAIN? and for the last time so
please bear with me:
dear robin, greetings.
Realizing, perhaps more than i can make you believe, the
rather dreadful way in which i betrayed you, realizing this
because i've been betrayed many, many times myself:
1. i
am
very intense and serious these days and when i do
just take it upon
my
mind to relax i get higher thein any
