238
PARTISAN REVIEW
that Ling wasn't Marlene Dietrich . And I had too much of my own
havoc to contend with to start lowering a gun at some foggy miasma
such as corporate capitalism. But Ling didn't feel that way . She
got together a list and stuck my Pa up there alongside William
Randolph Hearst. A slighted goddess is always just a bit dangerous .
Life back at Ling's mother-in-Iaw's didn't pan out. The creature
features had become a little too particular. And baby sitting and
smoking local yellow poppies-the voice on the phone barely able
to wheeze-still left her with a long commute to her medical school
laboratory. The way out was to move back, and when she came
around asking for a two-month's down-payment on an apartment , I
coughed up, glad to have her in the vicinity . Then something went
wrong, addresses changed, and next thing I knew here I was with a
great swaying carton full of household goodies between my knees ,
rapping on a blind-drawn street level apartment off of Grove street
in the posher Berkeley flats. For a good while , silence . But I could
see Ling' s form moving back of the blinds , and secure in my carton
kept it up until finally she came , asked who it was,
peer~d
out
unbelievingly, and then said in a strange, horrified, husky voice,
"You must not come here,
you
must not come ." So I dropped off
my carton and vamoosed, sure that I had in some way flushed her
out.
I had. There next morning, at 8 a.m. rapping on my door , was
Special Delivery:
july
28, '72)
trillium-you goddam tender flower
i
guess
i have no real basis for saying i thought you knew
what i am-a whore,
a
dope addict-i hussle out of habit. . . .
you'll probably really despise
me
for saying it 's
a
good
thing that last nite
was
the second day of the new moon for
surely nothing else could have saved you. dig, baby, i have
clap-not to mention that Gilbert is living at that pad. he
was
out when you came . he wouldn 't have killed you, he would
have cut off your penis. he controls the mail box
&
doors
&
everything else.
i wish i could
say
with complete assurance, "i 'm sorry
that when you offered
me
yourself i took it. " i wish there
wasn 't this anguish.
