Class History, A.D. 1912

Here, the class of 1912 made their own little myth about their history. In a tongue and cheek manner, they do a textual criticism of the text in the same way one might study a passage of the Pentateuch.

A star of the first magnitude was seen in the east during the summer of 1909. From north, south, and west to the “Hub of the Universe” bound, came the wise men to bathe in its light and learn of the Messiah. They came to get their wagons hitched to the stars of the greatest discovered theological constellation. And for this purpose a special course was given in Earliest Cosmologies, Nature Worship, and Ancient Astrologies. Off into space have gone our wise men, yet they are still upon the earth! This first year,—there being neither patriarchs nor tribal spirit,—we, the wise men, were at the mercy of the Pharaoh of the land, who happened to be the daughter of Samarneses of the thirty-first dynasty, and reigned under the title of Alma Mater. Two task-maskers ruled over us,—the one a Hebrew, the other a Roman Historian,—who compelled us to work overtime, far into the night, without giving us any reeds to make the papyri for our MSS. It was all grind at the mills!

After enduring twelve months of toil and oppression we were hammered into a fraternal unit for effective rebellion against overwork and the enforcement of ex post facto laws. After six peterions were ent to the Pharaoh, complaining of our burdens and our task-masters, fewer hours of labor were required and a stipulated amount of work assigned each week.

Those who have much desire more. We were not content; we longed for liberty. In this final year of our captivity we were required to do only two hours of work a week, with the others at our command to spend in our own edification. Surely this was Utopia! But the trusty prisoner sighs for freedom. Our deliverer came in the person of a great Sampson, known as “Cyclops.” And to our request that we be permitted to go into the wilderness and worship, Pharaoh commanded,—“You must not go to the wilderness before the month of April”; but many of our number slipped off quietly before that time landed with jewels. The king prepared a great feast and we were permitted to enjoy its bounties and fellowship, but nothing could tempt us to be content and remain. So finally, as a tribe that could no longer be held, we were released and allowed to go over into the promised lands. But even to these far-off abodes large parchements followed most of us, conferring honors bestowed upon us by the Pharaoh. And letters came continually to remind us that we still owed allegiance to our former sovereign and must needs pay tribute.

Thus ends our sojourn in the land of the “Beanites,”

By the Class Historian,

Emigrant.

The above restoration of this document was the result of the combined scholarship of all the living members of the class assembled. In talking over their work with each other since leaving the seminary this is what was gleaned: Linewater and Campbell had gone to mission fields, as did Stuntz, who afterward engaged in slum work; Mitchell, Professor of Theology; Magee, Secretary of the Board of S. S.; Babcock, a great hymn writer; Havermale, a missionary architect; Brown, Professor of Sociology and Jurisprudence in Yale University; Toole, religious educational work; M. F. Baker, a noted evangelist; Smith and Gray, Congregationalists; Roadman, Professor of Hebrew and O. T. Exegesis; Hargrave, ex-President of De Pauw University (with flowing beard); Marting, German Bishop; Gallagher, Bishop of Ireland; Martin, ‘Out West,’ Professor of O.T. as Literature, an authority on Isaiah and ‘Lowell’; and ‘Josier’ Craig is still searching and sighing for the land of rest but has been kept busy by his many ‘engagements.’ Such an array of titles, ability, and gray matter was focused on this history to decipher its burnt obscurencess. These wise heads of the class applied the methods of “Higher Criticism” to the parchment, and it was determined that Z worte one-quarter; M, one-eighth; and G, five-eights.

It was necessary to know who wrote the different parts of this history so as to complete the gaps. The time of writing each part was also determined for it was essential to the interpretation to know in what month of 1911-1912, and days, weeks, hours, minutes, seconds, and ticks each separate word of the document was executed;—because if it were written in the fall, then maybe sadness and pessimism entered; in winter, thoughts of death; in the spring, new life; if in the morning, thoughts of work and a new day; at night, waeriness or revelry; after dinner, good or bad influences as the meal affected the writer and the different moments, since the mind is more worn out after some hard working than when it began operations. Such exacting methods restored the document as it now stands; yet one member of the committee has a lurking suspicion that this method did not keep them absolutely and infallibly true to the original.

(Brother Morse was chief of the B.U.S.T. Fire Brigade. We can see him now going up and down the corridors several times a day with a large “pail” in his hand.)

To one and all we again bid farewell,
And are off on the ‘Second Dispersion.’

Earle M. Giesey