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PARTISAN REVIEW
downtown with her, men turned to look at her. Everyone liked her and 1
was proud of her. Everyone said she was very pretty and I loved her....
In vain! I cannot imagine what she was like. That thing out there on the
bier, that changed everything. Those old crones, they spoiled it all. That kiss,
it destroyed everything. There are photos on the wall over here. She is there
too. This is the latest, but it didn't turn out well (my brother took it) and
she doesn't look like herself. On this one she looks the way 1 had not known
her, but she is so much like the one 1 knew; here she is in short skirts, a lit–
tle girl. Here she is exactly like the one 1 loved and the one who loved me.
That's her. Her 1 love even now, and 1 cry for her-from my heart, like a
true brother-and no one can see me and no one will ever know....
My little, my good, my beautiful sister. 1 love your hair, your large eyes,
your serious face...and your bare little legs, your short skirts. And your
small hands and tiny dimples...my little, my good, my beautiful sister.
Look, look! We are alone and yet I am crying as heartbrokenly as I did
yesterday, when my godmother wrapped the black, wide, light arm of her
dress around my neck. .. (she loved you so much) ...and no one will know
about it, and no one must know. God can see and you can hear, for you are
up there with our good Lord, my good little sister. ...
Everything. Everything. Your knee, your fingers , your little shoes...
everything. Everything. Your locket lying on your holy and warm breast. 1
never loved anyone as much and no one ever loved you as much!
I am crying. 1 will bathe you in my tears , I will drown you in them.
My sorrow is great and my love even greater....
God can see and you know-no one else. No one.
Our eldest brother Matija arrived tonight. We rarely see him. He is a
wine wholesaler in Zagreb, he knows all the influential people, sometimes
he sends us five crowns apiece, for Christmas, New Year and our birthdays.
We all respect him. To tell the truth, this Matija is my ideal, because-how
shall I put it-Milan is just a student like me. And Joso, even though he
works for a living, does not do so far away from us, but through our father.
After all, I've called both Milan and Joso "asses" and lots of other things
many times. And when Joso chases me 1 stick my tongue out at him from
the top of a tree, and when he pretends to want to climb the tree (which
1 know he can't do because he is fat and clumsy) 1 spit on his head and
when 1 succeed, he waves his fist at me and I feel just as if he had given
me a ripe fig (I am partial to figs). 1 am not afraid of
him,
and even Mother
laughs with me then, even Red Pepper is on my side on such occasions.
She hates Joso now that he has a girlfriend.
Thus 1 really respect only Matija. So his behavior is the most impor–
tant to me. Here he comes. We all run out to meet him, all except Milan
