JANKO POLIC KAMOY
315
the top of his class, while I got Fs in three subjects that first spring and now
I have As in three subjects. Father said I would become a simple worker
while Milan would be a doctor. Sure. They are grown men. Thus Milan can
smoke whole new cigarettes in front of my father, while I was slapped
because of a butt. That's why I would like to know whether they wept. .. .
I don't think they did. They are silent, they smoke and look at the
floor. Milan is supposed to have loved our sister dearly. This is how they
show their sorrow, as men and as true brothers. Father wept like a child and
a true father.
This is what I don't understand. Why did Father cry? Now I respect
him less and am less impressed with him. I think I love him more.
Mother comes in. I think she is displeased with my brothers. I guess
they hadn't cried. Will they say to me tomorrow, the day after, in a week:
"You cried like a baby"? Will I be able to cry again? To whom should I
listen?
Am
I really just a child, spoiled by women, my mother calling me
her "pet"?
I dislike both my brothers and wish they weren't here. They are so
solenm, silent and simple. So is my father. And they all smoke-maybe
that's why?
I get slapped for a butt. On Good Friday I had to go to church with
Mother while Milan and Joso stayed home and drank on the sly. Because
I am a child. And Milan is allowed to be an atheist, to smoke, he doesn't
even have to weep. . ..
I understand it al l now. During meals Josip drinks even more than
Father, while I am allowed only a thimbleful of wine only on Sundays.Just
one single time I wanted some more, without anyone noticing, and Mother
beat me in front of our guests. Because I am a child. And Joso even brags
about his binges! When my brothers talk about "certain things," they close
the door in my face . But I know what they are talking about, I know that
Joso doesn't only kiss his girlfriend on the lips but that he feels her up....
In short, I know more than I let on and more than they think.
When Father sends Milan to buy cigarettes, Milan sends me to do it.
They can beat me and order me around, they can tell me when to cry and
not to smoke. ..because I am a child.
I am left alone in the room. It is getting dark. Red Pepper brings in
the lamp. My brothers and my parents are in the drawing-room because
some ladies and gentlemen came to call. They left me upstairs because
that's only for adults....But I have decided to get back at them, to show
them all that I am already a young man....Namely, I have decided not to
cry....Red Pepper says that I am not even to go to the funeral. We'll see.
I hate them all now because they despise me. Red Pepper sits down across
