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PAlUISAN REVIEW
feared him and now I fear him even more. He loved my deceased sister
best, because she was the most solemn and the quietest. Now he is not
looking at anybody, he only gives me a short, intense look, as if I am to
blame. He is awesome. His step is firm and the rooms tremble under it. He
has not taken off his hat. I am afraid of him.
If I were to weep now, would he scold me? He told me so many times
that I was stubborn and spoiled, that Mother spoiled me, that I cry about
trifles like a child, that I am not a man. That is why I do not love him. I
fear him and respect him.
He stops by the bed. I can see his back. He is hunched forward. He has
thrown his hat on the arm-chair. The priest is whispering something and
making signs with his hands. Father does not move. How long will he
stand like that? Who is he?
Look at him! He has turned around, red in the face, he is pulling his
hair. He is suffocated with coughing. His face is wet, from perspiration I
think. He has collapsed on the chair and squashed his hat. A new hat. He
is moaning.
So that's who he is! So then! He too is weeping. He, who scolded
me... he who ridiculed me. There he is, pulling his hair, hitting his head
with his fists. So! So!
The priest tries to comfort him. Father is not awesome. I do not fear
him. He is suffocated with coughing and tears. So! So!
Is he acting that way because he is in pain or because that's what he is
supposed to do? To show off? Hasn't he always been solemn just because
he is expected to be? Just for show.
They made me leave the room where my sister is lying. Now they are
washing and changing her. They will lay her out downstairs. My brothers
have arrived and all of us men are in this room. Father is smoking. Milan
is a senior in high school and he writes poetry.Josip is nine years older than
I and he works in Father's office. I did not see them arrive, so I don't know
how they acted, and I wish I did. Our eldest brother is in Zagreb; we wired
him to come. We are expecting his arrival with great curiosity. How will
he act? Watching my brothers carefully now, I doubt that they wept. Milan
has strange ideas: he says he is an atheist, he makes fun of the holy mass
and of priests, even those who are not catechists! Josip already has a sweet–
heart and picks the most beautiful flowers from our garden. I don't
rnind-I respect him for it. And I wish with all my heart that he would
point me out to her and say: "You see, that one there is my youngest
brother. ..."
I am impressed with Milan also, he even dares argue with Father and
nevertheless Father loves him and respects him more than me. Milan is at
