312
PARTISAN REVIEW
Oh, God! Oh, God!
I can't! I am a cad. I don't know how! I am an idiot. I am as confused
as my colleague the reciter. I am as childish as my neighbor's little boy. I
am worthless, I am unworthy, and above all I am stupid.
I cry
wi
th anger.
The maid returns and shrieks when she sees my sister. She is ugly. The
priest is on his way, she says, but he still is not here. The same with my
brothers. The window and the door are closed. None of the neighbors to
be seen. My sister lies dead, the three of us around her. My mother is sit–
ting and weeping. The maid sprays my sister with holy water. Then she
squeezes a cross into her hands. But her hands are weak and the cross is
heavy. The maid is angry, I don't know whether with the cross or with my
sister. ... I'm convinced that she is silently swearing. She has always been
like that-angry and impatient. When Mother wasn't around, she would
swear at us. She has been with us a long time. When I was younger, she
often hit me on the forehead with her fist . Her hair is red. We call her Red
Pepper. And when I cried, she would close my mouth with her hand. She
is skinny. When she used to carry me, I would get tired more quickly than
if I had walked on my own. She is all bones, like a man. She insults us
whenever she gets angry. She has a rough voice and I have seen her drink
brandy many times. She often smells of petroleum, and my elder brother
Milan told me several years ago that she also drinks vinegar and that is the
reason she is so skinny. No, none of us ever loved her, nor she us. We gen–
erally considered her a spy and since I started going to high school I've
despised her even more because in my school we believe that spying is
"absolutely the worst." I am the youngest; she doesn't even dare hit me
anymore. So she tells my father lies about me smoking his cigarettes. I only
picked up a butt once to see what it was like to smoke. Because of her, my
father slapped me although I am now a high-school student.
So I am glad my sister will not hold the cross the way Red Pepper
wants her to. I feel like laughing out loud and I am sure my dear sister
would not have minded that. No, she simply will not hold the cross the
way Red Pepper wants her to. How grateful I am for that! How I love my
sister and hate Red Pepper!
She still won't leave her be. My sister is lying on her back. I can see
her face so well. Her lips are tight. She is dead! She died without confess–
ing. Oh, God! Oh, God!
Is she in heaven now? Is she in deadly sin? No, she is free of sin. True,
she was recently rude to Father, but that was because she was ill. That is no
sin. And she ate meat on Friday, because the ill are allowed to do that. And
she hadn't been to church for half a year because the ill needn't go. Red
