JANKO POLIC KAMOV
325
word "consumption" is an insult. That's what we call a teacher who is
ugly, always angry, always giving Fs. My sister once said she would rather
kiss his dog-a bulldog-than its master.
Everything confuses me really and I don't understand anything. I
thought I would be very flattered when my schoolmates told me: "Oh,
how you cried" (Ferko was at the funeral, as were many others) and "How
you (her brothers) loved her!" But I was much more flattered when they
told me that many of Milan's friends fancied her, and that Professor Jaric
was absolutely crazy about her.
Yes, I am more flattered now when I am told my sister was beautiful
than if I were told that she was-good.
No. I don't understand. Today I walked home with Ferko and he told
me how it was when his father died. He felt important and looked at me
with a kind of contempt, as if to say I was less experienced and more child–
ish then he is.
I wanted to tell
him
but didn't that he who still points things out with
his finger did not deserve that his father should die any more than he deserved
good grades. Usually his mother goes to beg the teachers on his account and
that saves
him.
Because his mother is very pretty. Ferko also said: "Boy, you
sure did cry!"-and I am now ashamed because of that. He was making fun
of me and humiliating me. He meant: "What is a sister compared to a father!"
Anyway, you can't see any sorrow in him now, and it has only been
half a year. Will it still show on me? Does it still show on me?
Today the teachers did not examine me out of consideration. Nor will
they tomorrow. But in a few days..
.I
must make up for it now, study all
the time...
.I
have three Fs to correct. The spring is almost over. ...What
if I have
to
go to summer school?
Why wouldn't my mother go to talk to the teachers? Or my god–
mother? She is prettier. My mother isn't pretty at all.
Last night I dreamt of my godmother and my sister. My godmother
was the same as she is now, but my sister was the way she was a long time
ago, before I knew her.
At dimler Mother said she had dreamt of our sister.Joso did too. I did–
n't say anything. Mother asked me and Milan: "Didn't you two dream
about her at all?"
Milan shrugged. Why did that question confuse and embarrass me and
why did I lie looking at my plate and saying just: "No!"
It seems that I love my mother much less than I used to, and she looks
upon me the way she looked at my brothers when they couldn't or wouldn't
cry. I am no longer her pet. I feel much closer to Milan now....
