JOHN HAFFENDEN
583
make sobriety difficult. Needs exercise
&
rest. P(atien)t seems to break
out into the open
&
then regroup into hostile, arrogant
&
defiant
behaviour. Some progress in treatment." Kate was reported "to be
accepting of program
&
very cooperative."
Although Dr. Erickson wrote that "John Berryman seemed to
really do quite well on the intensive alcohol therapy unit," and that
"he was consequently discharged to go home on June 12th, taking no
drug of any kind," those more closely observant of Berryman's attitude
must have been aware that an impasse had been reached. Too often he
would project a mask made up ambivalently of arrogance and pity,
aggressiveness and pathos. For a while Berryman was angry and
disappointed with his counsellor because of his sense of failure.
Months later he came
to
respect and love
lose!.
Berryman felt that he had made a spiritual gain: "My relation with
Him is quite strong at present." Physically he was in poor shape: "(I
lost 191bs for one minor thing
&
still can hardly sleep-3 hrs. a night):
so 1 don't know. 1 eat,
&
walk,
&
pray,
&
that's about all." Within a
week of his discharge from
t~e
hospital, he confessed (June 18th or
19th),
"I
had a 'slip' yesterday afternoon:
1
went to a bar in St. Paul
&
drank for
%
of an hour. Christ!"
It
became hideously clear
to
him that
all his previous efforts to recover from alcoholism were no more than
Band-Aids on a corpse. At least he was now alive
to
the possibilities of
recovery held by St. Mary's Hospital, and by
AA,
even if his day was not
yet.
