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For his part, Berryman would like to talk about his problems, or at
least to touch on them. He was very good at "intellectualizing" : "He
had himself very well figured out," and would retail many theories
about himself. Jim would tackle the problem by trying
to
describe to
Berryman "how he is now"; he would confront him with how he
looked, and how he was behaving. At times there seemed to be progress,
often followed by regressive behavior, probably because he became
frightened. Berryman was, as losel recalled, "good at hating himself. "
He cut an aggressive and decrepit figure, shattered in spirit and body,
and unclean. Many other staff members became disgusted with him,
some because he was always, as they would put it, "talking the pro–
gram"; others, themselves neat and clean, reacted badly
to
his arro–
gance and dirtiness. He would wear the same shirt for days, above
which his face would both suffer and smile remarkably. He joked with
his misery.
Berryman later regretted his antagonism and defensiveness to–
wards Jim losel, whose function he misunderstood because he himself
was in what is call ed the highly locked-in state of the alcoholic. The
autobiographical novel,
Recovery,
contains Berryman 's rationaliza–
tion:
admired
him all right-he's spectacular, blazing with invention
and knowledge of life, wonderfully creative and quick-but I
thought he was arrogant and cruel and I wasn't at all clear that he
was
sincere.
Eventually, while doing "a lot of hibernating with Carrington"
(Archbishop Philip Carrington's books on St. Mark's Gospe l and the
Early Christian Calendar), Berryman came to open up more when Kate
was present at conferences. He told how he had manipulated her, and
confessed that he had acted miserably towards her; his sincerity was
evident. The feeling was very believable. The spouse of any alcoholic
has "her own highly developed and inordinate defense systems and
negative emotional postures," which she musllearn to recognise while
the patient is in the hospital. She too experiences feelings of rejection
and resentment.
If
Berryman had made a rapid recovery, it would have
been very threatening for Kate, demanding a reassessment of her role.
The relationship between an alcoholic and his spouse is one in which
both partners become immobilized and depressed. In private counsel–
ling, Berryman spoke often to Jim about his sex life, and conceded lhal
he was very interested in women.
On Tuesday May 12, Berryman had what he called an "exterofec-
