JOHN HAFFENDEN
I mu st have conned (Dave Olsen ) with my First Step: I don 't see how.
(Dave) is fond of g laring at some shivering alcoho lic who has just
recited hi s sins, leaning forward with hi s hands on hi s thigh s and
elbows out-a brutal type, coarse with suspicion-and booming at
him, " You 're a drunken
lying
haHassed bum !" O r he leans back,
with a tender expression , and says gentl y: " In my opini on, you 're not
an alcoholic, I don 't know what you 're doing here.
If
I could drink
the way you do - or say you do -Friend, I
wou ld."
So I don 't see how
I got away with whatever I got away with .
Here is the text of Berryman's Step One:
Social drinking until 1947 during a long
&
terrible love affair, my
first infidelity to my wife after 5 years of marriage. My mi stress drank
heavil y
&
I drank w. her. Guilt, murderou s
&
sui cidal. Hallucina–
tions one day walking home. Heard voices. 7 years o f psychoa nalysis
&
group therapy in N.Y. Walked up
&
down drunk on a foot-wide
parapet 8 slOries high . Passes at women drunk, often successful. Wife
left me after II yrs of marri age bee. of drinking. Despair, heavy
drinking alone, jobl ess, penniless, in N.Y. Lost when bl acked-out
the most important professional letter I h ave ever received. Seduced
students drunk. Made homosexual advances drunk, 4 or 5 times.
Antabuse once fo r a few days, agony on floor after a beer. Quarrel w.
landlord drunk a t midnight over the key
lo
my apartment, he called
police, spent the night in jail, news somehow reach ed press
&
radio,
forced
lo
resign . Two months of intense seH-analysis-dream–
interpretation ete. Remarried . My chairman to ld me I had ca lled up a
student drunk at midnight
&
threatened to kill her. Wife left me bee.
of drinking. Gave a public lecture drunk. Drunk in Calcu tta,
wandered streets lost all night, unable to remember my address.
Marri ed present wife 8 yrs ago. Many barbiturates
&
tranquilizers off
&
on over last 10 yrs. Man y hospitalization s. Many alibis for
drinking, lying abt. it. Severe memory- loss, memory distortions.
DT's on ce in Abbott, lasted hours. Quart o f whi sky a day for month s
in Dublin working hard on a long poem . Dry 4 months 2 years ago.
Wife hiding bo ttl es, myself hiding bottl es. Wet bed d runk in London
hotel, man ager furi ou s, had LO pay for new mattress, $100. Lectured
LOOwea k LO stand , had LO sit. Lectured badl y prepared . T oo ill to give
an examina tion, coll eague gave it. T oo ill to lecture one day .
Literary work sta lled for month s. Quart of whi skey a day for month s.
Wife desperate, threa tened to leave unless I sLOpped. Two doctors
drove me to Hazelden last November, I week intensive care unit, 5
wks treatment. AA 3 times, bored, made no fri ends. First drink at
Newlbars' party. Two month s' li ght drinking, hard biogra phical
work . Suddenl y began new poems 9 weeks ago, heavier
&
heavi er
drinking mo re
&
more, up LO a quart a day. Defecated un col1lro ll abl y
in a Uni versity corridor, go t home unno ticed . Book fini shed in
outburst of five weeks, most intense work in my who le life exe.
maybe first two months of 1953. My wife sa id St. Mary's o r else. Came
here.
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