222
ABE: You know I don't cook. I bum everything.
COHN:
Don't.
JULES FEIFFER
ABE: My mind wanders.
( COHN
gets up, crosses to stock shelf, takes
down a box of spaghetti, sets a plate in front of
ABE
and pours
the uncooked spaghetti onto the plate.)
It's not cooked.
COHN:
I say it's cooked. Two fingers. Five fingers. Eat your spa–
ghetti. (ABE
looks disconsolately at the plate, picks the spaghetti
sticks up in his hand and begins to eat them.
COHN
watches for
a moment, then relents. He takes the plate away from
ABE
and
pours the spaghetti into a pot of water on the stove.)
When will you
learn?
ABE: To be like you? I beg your pardon, is that such a blessing?
COHN:
Don't get personal.
ABE: I don't like being made a fool of.
COHN:
You asked for it.
ABE: I know I'm right.
( COHN
groans)
You can win the argument
but it doesn't mean you're right. Inside I know who's right.
COHN:
You think so?
ABE: I know so. With my ex-wife, I also lost all arguments. But you
told me I was right.
COHN:
With her you
were
right.
ABE: So if I lost with her and was right, you have to admit that
when I lose with you I also could be right. It's consistent.
COHN:
Abe, I'm going to tell you a little story. A parable. After I
finish
you tell me what it means to you. OK?
ABE: Before I eat?
COHN:
Here.
(c uts him a slice of cheese,
ABE
wolfs it down.)
Once
there was this beautiful, innocent, young maid, golden locks, of eigh–
teen who lived in a dark forest in the country with her very proud,
strict parents and it was her habit to sit by a pond day in and day
out and moon and mope about the moment when love would first
enter her life. One day this lovely young thing is daydreaming by
the pond when a frog hops out of the water and into her lap. The
beautiful maid recoils. "Don't be frightened!" croaks the ugly little
frog. "I am not what I appear to be. I am in truth a handsome
young Prince cast under a spell by a wicked witch and this spell
can only be broken when some fair maid takes me into her bed and
spends the night by my side." So the girl calmed down and decided
