Student Health Ambassadors at Sex in the Dark, a sex Q & A event. Pictured top left to top right: Vijay Fisch, Matthew Xu, Samara Ruberg, Kate Schwenn, Peyton Nguyen. Bottom left to bottom right: Genevieve Roy, Catalina Sanhueza, Zoe Solberg, and SHS Assistant Director of Community & Online Initiatives, Tony Chen.

Student Voices

How to Have ‘The Talk’: What I’ve Learned About Discussing Sex 

Why it’s important and how you can start the conversation.

As someone who was once twelve and is now twenty-one, few experiences remain true. But one that stands to this day is the fact that when you say the word “sex,” it can still lead to giggles, blushing, and a few furtive glances. Even I can’t avoid the giggles sometimes, despite working for Student Health Services (SHS), where I’ve spent countless hours familiarizing myself with Condom Fairy’s extensive safer sex supply selection, packing condom orders, and even demonstrating how to use them.

Working as a Student Health Ambassador these past two years has meant so much more than having a show-stopping “fun fact” for class introductions and icebreakers. Sharing with people that I help with Condom Fairy, while immensely fun and gratifying, has also sparked some insightful questions and conversations with my fellow BU students. I’ve spread the word that SHS provides more than just external condoms for students – we also have internal condoms, oral dams, and even flavored lube. More than that, I’ve talked with students on topics ranging from “How do I find someone to date that’s not through a dating app?” to “So what does someone use an oral dam for, really?” Becoming a better communicator and self-advocate, I’ve used these experiences and lessons at SHS in my relationships and growth. 

The one lesson I’ve taken away, above all, is that we all should be talking about sex more. I don’t just mean the debriefs with friends after an eventful night (even though those are fun). I’ve learned we should all take some time to introspect, shift our mindsets, and then talk about sex. By embracing this opportunity, we can do more than improve our relationship with sex; we also unlock a pathway to healthier conversations with others and ensure that the sex we have is satisfying, safe, and healthy. 

Traditionally, the notion of sex often revolves solely around penetrative intercourse. However, this narrow definition overlooks the vast spectrum of intimate acts that contribute to sexual experiences. By exploring and articulating their own definition of sex, people can expand their definitions to reflect the diversity of human sexuality and experience. Simply put, there’s not one way to “have sex”; the definitions we use with ourselves and others should reflect this. 

This process of making your own definition of sex promotes self-awareness and can help us engage in open conversations with others about our needs and desires. Open communication about sex with sexual partners is essential for forming and sustaining healthy and satisfying sexual relationships. In these (and other) relationships, some key benefits of talking about sex include building trust and intimacy, establishing consent and preventing misunderstandings, improving pleasure, and promoting sexual health. So, talking about sex can maximize your connection with your partner while also ensuring that sex – however you define it – is safe, consensual, empowering, and pleasurable. 

Now, it’s not always easy to initiate conversations about sex, regardless of whether you’re debriefing with friends, defining the relationship with a new “situationship,” or talking with a current sexual partner. 

Here are some tips: 

• Start by setting the scene and choosing a time/place when you and your partner feel comfortable and relaxed. 
• Enter the conversation with curiosity and an open mind.
• Use “I” statements, be specific and concrete in your preferences and boundaries, and practice active listening. 
• Remember that one of the great things about talking about sex is that the more that we “do it” (pun intended), the more natural and comfortable it becomes, normalizing further conversation and demystifying sex. 

These lessons about sex – examining definitions and opening communication – are ones that I’ll take with me even after I retire from my Condom Fairy duties, and I encourage others to do the same. Take some time to explore your definition of sex and have those at-first-awkward conversations with others. The more we talk about sex, the easier it becomes to express boundaries, desires, and experiences as they evolve. Define it, normalize it, and you’ll get some (great sex and communication)! 

Sources:

• How Do We Best Define Sex? (Heather Corinna, Scarleteen, 2011) 
• What’s Sex? (Heather Corinna, Scarleteen, 2010) 
• Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby: The Importance of Open Conversations on Pleasure with Partners and Friends (Vijayeta Basu, Leezu’s, 2024) 
• Let’s Talk About Sex: The Importance of Communication in Sexual Relationships (Alex, Medium, 2023)