DANIEL MOYANO
413
woman, what did that mean? Could I stop loving you because of
your contempt? Did someone prevent my loving you as I loved you?
The supposed contempt was one of your problems , which even in–
creased my affection because it grieved me to see you suffer for a
problem which, as far as I was concerned, did not exist. Your con–
tempt , if it did exist, did not stop me from loving you. And since you
didn't prevent it, my love was satisfied with the sale fact that they did
not prevent its existence.
Almost every afternoon, when they take me out onto the gal–
lery, Luisito stops in front of me and says, "And now , esteemed don
Bias , I'm going to act out another pantomine for you. Today's is
about a servant who takes five children walking on the square." That
was the last one. Using the apron as if it were a dress , he moves and
walks like a woman who is trying to get someone to look at her, but
the children, who play different tricks, don't let her prance about
freely. When she succeeds in attracting someone's attention, she has
to
go running brusquely, losing all her elegance, to catch one of the
children, who wants to run into the street or blow his nose or even do
other indecent acts in public. He knows he can't make me laugh, at
least overtly, but he must tell from my eyes that the scene amuses
me . So since he doesn't need my laughter or my words to encourage
his task , he transfers his shame to me. Of course, at times I do show
my joy. Some pantomimes are so comical that my eyes fill with tears
of pure pleasure. When he notices them, he stops acting, dries my
tears with the apron, and leaves, perhaps considering the situation is
too much for me. What the poor man doesn't know is that at times I
neither hear nor see him because I'm very sad; and then, seeing that
all his efforts to entertain me are useless, my eyes fill with tears, but
of pain - for me, for my situation, and for him too. He is unaware of
that hidden process, so believes I'm crying from pleasure. And if he
did notice it (I believe I've sometimes seen worry on his face), it
would be impossible for him to know when I am crying from grief or
when I am crying for joy.
You have no children, so perhaps you don't really know the
meaning of paternity. I believe having a child is very important in
this life. I have been watching your features while you've been talk–
ing to me, your eyes, your forehead, your hands, and even now, old
and defeated , 1 feel the same thing I felt when I saw you growing up,
that security and at the same time that forgetfulness which places
one in the center of the world, I mean that makes one feel his own
existence. The child , when born, hurts us but gives us at the same
