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PARTISAN REVIEW
the escort. You were the most martial. My eyes fill ed with tears,
your mother's did too . I don't know why she was crying, but I did
know why I was: because time had passed, because you had become
a man , little one, who suddenly had to confront the world with the
stars on high and the endless round of seasons and all the dangers of
the world. Among thousands, your face had passed; it was
something I had given to mankind: a face, a form. I did not turn to
see your back. I kept looking at the other faces, adults too in endless
repetition. Then I saw that your mother had turned to watch you
from behind. I remember well your mother's profile against the sun.
The voice over the loudspeaker was now announcing the passing of
the next school before the official stand - the industrial school, "the
country's reserve," according to the speaker. For that reason I didn't
want to go to the parade the following year, when you had become
standard-bearer. While you were dress ing, with that fastidiousness
of yours, you didn't show that being standard-bearer delighted you.
I said so to your mother and she said yes you were happy , but that
your face showed displeasure because you knew I wouldn't go
to
the
parade. I'd like to have explained my reasons to you, but I was
ashamed to. When I tried to kiss you goodbye you turned your face
away. But I didn't ascribe that action to your momentary anger
because at other times you had turned your face away when I tried
to kiss you. That was simply part of your character , so I didn't
believe, contrary to your mother's fears, that you were upset with me
because I wasn't going to the parade. Besides, if! had said, "Son , I'm
not going because I'm afraid of time passing," you'd really have been
offended. But that night I realized that your mother was right. You
didn't come home to supper or join us afterward to see the fireworks
as we had agreed. When you later opened the front door- from the
house you could hear the explosions of the fireworks which were be–
ginning- and saw I was waiting for you in the front room , you turned
to the corridor and went into the kitchen. You went straight to bed.
In a while I went to your bed
to
say goodnight. You didn't answer,
though you were awake. I felt a great humiliation, shame,
something like that. I wanted to kneel and ask your forgiveness. I
believe that night I began to suffer the insomnia which since, with
age, came to be more frequent and longer. I cou ldn't sleep. I got up
and went out to the garden. I leaned against the fence and saw high
in the sky one of those fireworks . It resembled a qui ck comet. I
remembered that night years back, when you were very young and ,
wrapped in a blanket , your body nestled against mine because you
were afraid of the unfamiliar fire .
