60
PARTISAN REVIEW
had smiled them out of his office she let go of Kelly's hand and told
the group in the lobby and set Esther off crying again . But at least it
was enough to send them all home for the night. Jo-An did not re–
semble the crying woman Kelly was used to, and having come back
ready to face the annoyance of her bawling, he felt now at loose ends.
He said he'd take the car home and sleep there , and she handed over
the keys without any argument.
He was all the way home and showered and sitting in front
of some Western movie with two sixteen-ounce beers poured into a
pitcher and then forgotten about long enough to go flat before he let
himself admit that he did not, would not want to see Ricky - even if
he didn't look any different , yet except maybe a little pale the way
hospitals always make you look and maybe with bandaids in odd
places where they'd taken blood and Jesus! maybe even tubes run–
ning out his arms and a silly plastic bracelet marking him like a con–
vict or a Pekinese . Jo-An could sit there as long as she wanted and
hold Ricky's hand by the hour and convince him that Jell-O on a tray
was a big deal and play checkers bad enough for him to win. She was
used to him , and Ricky was used to her, and where did that leave
Kelly anyhow? She owned the kid and only loaned him out now and
then to have a catch or to ask , the morning after a home game, "You
get a hit?" until it got on Kelly's nerves, since he didn't believe it was
any more than something Jo-An had made the kid do . There were
even times, coming back after a long road trip, when the only thing
Ricky made him feel was annoyed, like a pet dog that wouldn't be
trained . Of course Kelly loved him; what was he , abnormal or some–
thing? You loved your son. But he always made Kelly feel in the
way. Five years old and Kelly still couldn't see anything in him that
looked familiar. Sick he'd be worse . And she'd be brave and all. And
Kelly would be too loud or something and they'd send him for a milk–
shake so that they could take a deep breath . Jesus.
He woke up with a stiff neck from sleeping twisted into the chair.
The TV was still on; some fag in tights was prancing around yakking
about a good body. Jesus.
It
was after ten o'clock and he put in a call
to the Skip to let him know it would be a couple of days at least. The
Skip said, "Yeah. You take care," which isjust what he said when he
didn't want to talk any more to some dim reporter. Kelly ate two pea–
nut butter sandwiches while he drove and stopped on the way to get
a newspaper. They had a big spread on "Who's Who in the Minors"
but it barely got deeper than triple-A and there were four or five guys
listed as hot prospects that Kelly could eat alive any Tuesday. All it
