BRUNO SCHULZ
73
Ri ght befo re o ur eyes, tra nsfo rmed into a mo nstrou s, h a iry, steel-blue
horsefl y, furi o u sly circling and knocking blindl y aga inst the wa ll s of
the shop. Tran sfixed, we li sten ed to the hopeless lament, the expres–
sive ly modul a ted dull pl aint, running up a nd down th e registers of
boundl ess pa in , an unreli eved sufferin g under th e dark ce iling of the
shop.
We stood unmov in g, deepl y shamed , un a ble LO look a t on e
ano ther.
In
th e depth o f o ur h ea rts we felt a certa in relief th a t a t a
cr iti ca l moment my fa ther h ad found a wa y o ut of a n imposs ibl e
~ itu a ti on.
We admired the courage w ith whi ch he threw himself
reckl ess ly into a blind a ll ey o f des pera ti on from whi ch, as it seemed ,
there was no retu rn.
Yet, looking a t it di spass ion a tely, one h ad to ta ke my father 's
transfo rma ti on
cum grana sa lis.
It
was mu ch mo re the symbo l of a n
inner protes t, a vio lent and desperate demon stra ti on from whi ch ,
howe"er, rea lity was no t abso lutely absent. One h as to keep ill mind
that mos t of th e events described h ere suffer [rom slimmer a berra ti on s,
the canicul a r semirea lit y, the ma rg in a l time running irres pon sibl y
along th e bo rderlin e o [ the dead season.
We li stened in sil en ce. My fa ther's revenge was parti cul a rl y
cunning: it was a kind of repri sa l. From then on we were condemned to
hearing fo rever tha t ba leful low buzzing-a persistent, do leful com–
plaint, whi ch rose to a pit ch and then suddenl y stopped. Fo r a
moment , we savo red the sil en ce w ith reli ef, a ben eficient res pite during
whi ch a glimmer o f hop e a rose in us. But after a whil e the buzzing
restarted, ever mo re insistent a nd pl a intive, and we rea lized tha t there
was no end LO tha t suffering, to tha t curse, LO the homeless bea ting
against all the wa ll s. Tha t mono logue o f complaint a nd sil ence, each
time rising even lo uder and a ng rier, as if it wanted to cancel the
pre\'ious moment of sho rt appeasement , jarred on o ur nerves. Sufferin g
whi ch is limitless, suffering whi ch is stubbo rnl y encl osed within the
circle of its own mani a, suffering to th e po int of distracti on , o f se lf–
mutil ation , becomes in the end unbeara ble fo r the help less witnesses o f
misfortune. Th at incessant, a ng ry a p pea l fo r o ur sympa th y contained
too obvi ous a reproach, LOO g laring an accu sa tion aga in st o ur own
lI'ell-being, no tLO ma ke us rebelli o us. We a ll inwardl y writhed , full o f
protest and fury in stead of contriti on . Was th ere rea ll y no oth er way
out for him but to throw himself blindl y int o that pitiful and hop eless
tollditioll and , hav ing fa llen into it, no ma lleI' whether by his own
fault or ours, couldn ' t h e find mo re streng th o f spirit or mo re di gnity
to
brar it without compl a int? My mo th er ('ould o nl y ch eck her anger with
