NATASHA SPENDER
57
so often admired jocelyn 's more cheerfully forthri ght way o[ dealing
with crises a t Eaton Square, for if he hectored, she could hector back,
gracefull y turning hi s contenti o usness into a jocul ar vein in whi ch it
became too sill y fo r him to persist in it. However, a t Carlton Hill hi s
fight for eq uilibrium was on a much more profound leve l. Arguments
of the form " I know I'm bad and it's tiny steps fo r tiny feet, but your
beliefs commit you to
having
to help me," invoked when he was
desperate, were tiring; tho ugh sometimes, like jocelyn , I could turn
him towa rds the jo kes he could seldom res ist.
Yet one mi ght say there was a clash of codes. Raymond thought
the belief I had in ca ritas and prayer either mys teri ous or an abdica tion
of intell ectual contro l; and I thought his fundamenta l distrust of
everyone's goodw ill too pessimistic about human na ture. The ba ttl e
aga inst hi s slow sui cide resolved itself into persuading him tha t with
all their faults it's worth li ving amongst o ther people. Despite mixed
feelings, hi s dominant a ttitude hitherto had always been the total
commitment to Cissy, and se lf-protec tive intol erance towards o thers.
Though still fundamentally absorbed by Cissy, he looked forward to
findin g a simil a r protective isola tion through someone else, where he
might excl ude the rest o f the "dangerous" outside world and continue
his crea tive work within such a haven . Except for what he la ter
described as an ea rli er " brief moment of infatua ti on ," he had always
realized tha t this had never been a prospect with me or any o ther
member of the shuttl e servi ce. As soon as he returned to American in
May 1956 he continued a search with a succession of people in La j o ll a
to
rees tablish a
cloitre
a
deux - an
unrea listi c search . But all tha t can be
sa id of the victory which we in the shuttl e service, and la ter I in
particular, had helped him achi eve was as he la ter wrote in March 1957:
"You made me rea li ze tha t wha tever o ne has suffered, to res ign from
life is just sill y."
His loneliness a t the end o f hi s life was painfu l to see and rev ives
equall y distress in g memo ri es o f tha t of Auden a t the end of hi s life.
Although Auden was a fa r closer and mo re long-standin g fri end , and
we had beli efs in common , sitting over luncheon a t Carlton Hill was
quite like sitting over tea in our kitchen in Lo udoun Road with Auden ,
discuss ing LIFE. T hough their achievements were of a totally different
order, in hi story they were no t unlike; bo th devoted to memori es o f
"saintl y" mothers and bo th a lways searching to be mo thered , bo th
concerned with the discipline aspect of writing and justl y p roud of
their craftsmanship , bo th in o ld age nervy and demand ing, bo th
childl ess, both drinking, and bo th crav ing onl y compani onship and a
