NATAS,HA SPENDER
53
abhor tables full of midd le-aged to elderl y females, all dressed to the
n ines and with blood y awful ha ts, and a ll yammering a t o ne ano ther
much too lo udl y in those fla t toneless monotonous vo ices tha t scra tch
like fingernail s." He had an almos t puri tanical ha tred for the meaning–
less hedonosm of aimless ly leisured peop le pa rading their nea r nudity
at the swimming pool, and he was a lso daunted by the p rospect o f
lonely mea ltimes. Small wonder tha t he se ized upon a reason to return
to England after a few months. I now don 't know how he heard tha t I
was ill , but illness was a lways a priority and he surprisingly presented
this fact retrospecti vely to the tax authorities as a ra tionale for having
acted upon hi s homesickness fo r Eng land . La te in November he flew
back to London .
On this the second peri od o f o ur seeing him over some weeks, he
very soon came to see us, and we were immedi a tely worri ed by the
spectacula r deteriora tion in hi s state, for he was drinking heavil y
again .
It
clearl y was to be the p roblem as before; alone a t the Ritz he
would drink , and social life would exacerba te the syndrome. Mean–
whil e he was sta rtl ed by the news (which the Spender famil y took in its
stride) tha t I was to have an opera tion in mid-December, so when he
suggested a tri p south to build up my strength , we were bo th touched
by his concern and hopeful tha t two weeks of vi gil ant nursing migh t
improve hi s own health and morale; though (in retrospect) it was
foolish to think tha t without hi s doing a prelimina ry cure it could
possibl y be effective, the therapeuti c success of the p revious tri p had
made us overconfident.
At thi s time he spoke almost incessantl y of Cissy, but his previous
moods of lyri cism and resigna tion had given way to fa r more compl ex
emotions concerning hi s who le pas t life, and he woul d be submerged
in retrospective anger and active despair. To persuade him tha t all
these turbul ent feelings about the pas t were quite na tural, tha t many
bereaved people experi ence them, and to encourage him, as it were, to
plough through them , yielded onl y limited and temporary reassurance,
since even when he seemed most affecti ve and heartrending he had the
defensive air of one who could no t all ow himself to acknowledge wha t
he was say ing.
We were all determined tha t there should be no more of the passive
despair of Ea ton Squa re, tha t none of us would let him slip back into
his jettisoning mood. But we were in for a lo ng ba ttl e, and it now
astof' ishes me tha t we didn 't then rea lize the underl ying reason for the
