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PARTISAN REVIEW
with one's mind, she thought, but the emotional revulsion was so
great after twenty years' forgetfulness that she might only overcome
it when events had moved beyond her reach. Whatever happens, she
thought, I shall be so much to blame; and to Elizabeth who came run–
ning towards her along the bank of the stream she said aloud,
"If
anything should go wrong, darling, in our lives, always re–
member I am to blame. I hadn't the courage to do as I should."
The moment she had said it she could have bitten her tongue
out. The child was already too inclined to histrionics in this new phase
of schoolgirl religious enthusiasm through which she was passing.
Monica's fears were quite justified, Elizabeth rose at once to the situa–
tion, though she had no idea of the meaning of her mother's words.
"Brave Mummie" she said, putting her hand on Monica's arm.
Monica spoke almost harshly "No, darling,
not
brave Mummie.
Self-dramatizing Mummie, if you like, Mummie who's got the hero–
ine's part quite pat at rehearsals and in the wings, but who always
fluffs her words when it comes to the night. Anything you like, my
dear, but not
brave
Mummie."
Mummie's so strange and sarcastic sometimes, thought Elizabeth,
anyone but me might think she was bitter, but I know her better. I
know how brave and true and kind she is. I understand Daddy too,
how much he needs my love. Richard never thinks about anything
but his old books, so I have to help both of them. It's a kind of
secret I have with myself- and God, she thought quickly. God loves
and knows them all, even Grannie though she laughs at him. It's
true what Miss Anstruther says-life's ever so exciting for anyone
who's found Him; always something new and worthwhile to do, not
just silly messing around with boys like Penelope Black and all those
drips. That's what Sven wants, a lot of silly girls swooning about over
him, like soppy Sinatra. That's what he would like from me, for all
he keeps on saying I'm only a kid, but there's no time for waste of
time Miss Anstruther says. I wish Sven hadn't come here, it's all been
beastly since he did. It's ever since he came that Mummy's been
snappy and Daddy keeps on showing off, not that it's for Sven, he
wouldn't want to show off for a little pipsqueak like him. I oughtn't
to talk like that about him, I must learn to love him. Love every–
one, pray for them and set a good example that's all we can do. I can
help all of them even Sven if I show how Christ wants us to live.
