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my ra th er's las t w ish w hi ch I expected with rea r and curi osity , no r the fi ght
with m y aunt abo ut the deceased can d ivert me rrom thi s mood, lighten it
and make any impo rtance g ive n to trifl es just an illusio n .
In
va in do I try to think o r Anka. A terribl e tho ught attac ks me aga in,
the tho ught th at had los t its tail with Ill y ra ther's dea th. Thi s th ought is the
more enchanting because it contains an endJ ess curi osity. How would it be
ir I were alon e, all alo ne? And all th e spasms o r m y nerves bo un ce o ff like
waves-off m y mo ther. ...
C lo uds are heavy in the sky. The ho use is rull of gues ts. They call ed me,
but I couldn't part with thi s hauntin g solitude so suddenly. My mother and
aunt must be weeping; m y bro thers are entertainin g the ladi es . I recogni zed
the vo ices or three girls fi·om th e neighbo rhood , three Il aughty and merry
brunettes. Strange! I could no t stand remal e company now. I would be
ashamed to show sorrow; and ir I were to act merry,
I'm
afi-aid I mi ght
offend. And th at's considerati o n
I
I am again plagued by the ques ti o ll or mo urning blac kn ess. That too is
considerati o n : do ubl e considerati o n
I
Considerati o n or traditions represented
by m y mo ther alld o r m y prin cipI es acquired w ith m y fi-i ends over a glass of
wine.
It
is un canny: m y own principl es torture me, retreat, fail upo n me and
retreat o nce more. L3ut they do IlOt ca rry me off: th ey do no t deli ght me any–
more. So, berore I wo uld sooner have mi ssed a run eral th an a date! And now
I couldn' t go to the run eral in all ythill g but a bl ac k suit! I do n't feel like
opposing m y mo ther's wi shes. T he tho ught o r women quickl y weakens the
seri ousness I had maintaill ed sin ce th e arriva l o r th e pri es t and whi ch [
decided to maintain at any pri ce througho ut the run eral. Beauty, charm , lust,
fi-agrances, looks and clo thes fill me w ith passio n, and now it requires my
prin cipl es-th e principl es whi ch are expressed by sobri ety, peace and di gni–
ty. What a na·ive reply it would be to say: ''I'm no t wearing black because it
is against m y principl es!" As na·ive as th e believers who do penance arter
conressio ll look in the eyes or both beli evers and no n- beli evers.
It
was
eno ugh for me to hea r female vo ices alld m y prin cipl es have become just as
na·ive-like pell ance, like. . .th e bla ck suit. The black suit is my mo ther's
principl e, but also th e traditi o n, like greeting someone with " How do you
do," whi ch nobody takes as a real, literal ques ti o ll . And not saying it reeks of
savageness and stupidity. Finall y, a patri o ti c duel and a drunken party deli ght
more th an moving, vo ting, making presents o r petty wo rk .
What am I being liberated fr om?
Wasn't I enchanted with atheism , rreedom , revoluti o n because o r my
temper and m y age? Prin cipl es
l
Wherever did I acquire them ) O ver a glass
of wine, during demo nstrati o ns, in th e coarses t intercourse. Whereve r I
smashed things, yell ed o r ki ssed . And isn't that prec isel y w hat m y rather con–
demned and w hat humili ated me in hi s presence?
