JAN KO I)O Ll C KAMOV
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her and looked at he r in dayli ght o n th e ho t pave lll ent w ith a look th at
made me swea t and made her blu sh . Sh e comes from an exce ll ent f.1 mil y,
slightl y fri ghtened and very innoce nt. 13ut above all , she is rec kl ess. Sh e li s–
tens to m y poelll s and understand s no thin g, but feels eve rything. Th ey
confu se her so mu ch th at she looks sle epy and lost.
" In yo u I love sin , and in sin I love you ," I to ld he r th e o the r day in
th e pa rk , whil e the sun was shinin g o n the flowe rs and he r hair, and her
cheeks turned red fi·om love, th e SUlllmer, th e feve r and th e va nity. Thus
she loses her virginity in eve ry touc h o f o ur kn ees, o ur brea th , o ur lips. "I
am th e I) ev il ," I always tell he r wh en I wa nt to fl atter her. At dusk I
squeeze her hand and she respo nds like an ec ho.
An ka is waiting fo r Ill e. Th ere is no thing gay in her yo uth no r charm–
ing in m y love. Th e th o ught o f m y f;1ther and m y mo th er, th eir senil e
interes ts, thi s house turn ed illto a hospital in th e dun geon-all th at
ove reillphasizes Anka , Ill y passio n and th e wonde rs of th e wo rld . M y
tho ughts are cl ear. Th e laws of life g row in lIl e and fi'o m me. Dea th bo th
explains and justifi es. Why sho ul d I ca re abo ut th e co nsequ ences) Eve n the
wo rst li fe is justifi ed by dea th . M y dec isio n is clear, m y pro bl em is so lved .
My fa th e r shall die-An ka shall lose her virg ini ty.... At th at mo ment m y
moth er c 111 ed me to help her take m y fa the r to th e bathroom. H e held o n
desperately to o ur sho ulders; hi s b<lck hun ched , hi s kn ees bent; he is di g–
gin g hi s fin gers illto us. H e is all swea t, g roaning and stench. Hi s lowe r lip
is quive rin g and th e w ho le room qui vers w ith it. H e lea ns o n us. With thi s
fi na l lo ng in g o f hi s bo dy fo r life he has turn ed us in to obj ec ts, mute mat–
ter, crutches. H e does not rea li ze that he is hurtin g us, he does no t even
think that this can hurt. H e has no pity for us. H e is trea tin g us as if we
were a halldkerchi ef, cr utches, soc ks... things he has bo ught fo r hi s needs.
Th e ye ll ow dressin g o n hi s wounds ITdc hes to m y nose. My senses are but
rags to him .
We left him th ere and nea rl y closed th e doo r. H e is breathin g hard and
strainin g w hil e hi s curses are los t in hi s cata rrh. H e keeps squ eez in g hi s
eyes; hi s sho ulders raised up to hi s ea rs. From th e excess ive pain , hi s bo dy
has become el as ti c. A yo un g puppy peeks thro ugh th e doo r and opens its
mo uth and eyes w ide. Th e wrinkles in m y mo th er's face have turned black.
My t":1ther's gray hair is tremblin g; the space is fill ed w ith th e stench of
decay. Father can' t do it. H e's tryin g to fo rce himsel f and becomes small –
er; hi s chin hits hi s breas ts; he is Ill o anin g, sweatin g and cho kin g. Hi s
skinn y, bo ny hands are beating hi s kn ees . I noti ce how mu ch we ight he has
lost, how he is suffe rin g and rag in g. T he d ressing o n hi s wounds is smea red
deep yell ow. He ca n' t do it. Fo r the L1St tilll e he desper<1te ly hi ts h is knees
and the d ress in g
becom l'~
wet. Blood is dripp in g o n h is shi rt, hi s hreas ts
and knees. I turn palc.
