JANKO POLIC KAMOV
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naked woman. It shames me. I would be totally destroyed if my mates were
to find out about it: I was always so proud of the fact that [ can hold my
liquor.
[ am helping my mother, taking care of my father ever so kindly, qui–
etly and humbly. My father looks at me now and then and his gaze remains
as if it were written in the air. The sun is sneaking through the window
and the red rays slide down the wooden floor lustfully, reaching the pol–
ished bed. Father would like to say something, but he immediately lowers
his head, his lips and eydashes sadly. All the while, the sun keeps merrily
sliding through the sky and over the floor, down my hangover and my sad
thoughts.
I think I have man;lged to convince even myself that it wasn't the
brandy that harmed me. My aunt arrived and I kissed her hand three times.
I saw the milkmaid to the door and in my thoughts [ kissed her blond hair
and healthy blush of her cheeks and shawl. I peek through the window and
the peopl e passing by leave a pleasant sense of movement. A girl appears
from the neighboring house and laughs at my gazes. I stare at her, and her
teeth remain white anyway.
[ forget about Anka. I become more quiet, considerate and sly. Now
my mother thinks I'm an excessively sensitive and dutiful son. I have con–
vinced her and shall convince her. It would be awful if she were only to
think that brandy could have h;lrI11ed l11e. That would be a great argument
for her to fight against my binges, babbling
1!1
front of my friends.
Today after lunch a sadness came over l11e and I fell asleep in my chair.
[n this half-dre;l111 [ saw my Lither mysteriously beckoning me to follow
him . He was sl11iling sadly and l110ckingly and was pointing to the sea , the
islands and the dusk. Then he left, waving good-bye.
When [ wokc up, [ thought about the drcam, for I could find no con–
nection or interpretation in the context of what was happening. Now even
my drelm makes me think WhCll I'm ;lwake. It was so simple and melan–
cholic. The large, gray ;md de;ld sca; the islands like frozen ships on which
everything liVIng had died, exccpt f()r a dog which announces the death of
its masters like a bell. This dead and gray landscape touches me deeply. A
great sense of pcace descends on my soul. I am amazed that throwing up
had destroyed ,md shamed me, while all my f,lther's and mother's suffer–
ing and my crinlinal thoughts had elevated and warmed me. Through this
silence of my soul and surroundings I understand only too clearly what the
chains were, the ones my father forged and what the fi-eedom that my
being demandcd. In my f;Jther's prescnce I could fed everything but
instinct; in fi-ont of him all my thoughts, feeling- and limbs-would
droop impotently. Goodness, kindness and politeness were irreconcilable
with the essencc of my youth. The feding of embarrassment and sexual
