344
PARTISAN REVIEW
gling with her pyramid of packages in the drafts. I was radiant . I
brandished my garter belt like a Red Indian flaunting his paleface's
scalp. I told her, "Touch it! It's still warm!" And as both her hands
were occupied, I stuck it against he:- face. But we had to beat it , be–
cause the victim was likely to kick up a fuss. We rushed out and
dived into a taxi. Taxi, station, train, Alen<;:on . Antoinette didn't say
a word throughout the journey. The next day, she left me. For good.
Went back to her mother. A catastrophe. I deserved it, oh yes, I de–
served it! But a catastrophe all the same . . ..
Everything was over for me. I didn't go back to the bank. I read
the Paris papers. They spoke about the sadist in the metro. They
were hunting maniacs in the corridors. My victim lodged a complaint
against X, then she switched it to the Paris Transport System. Be–
cause the System was supposed to be responsible for the safety of its
passengers.
It
says so on the schedule of conditions. The things you
learn from the newspapers! There was a court case . The plaintiff,
my victim, lost. Well yes, a nonsuit as they call it! The counsel for
the metro victoriously exploited the fact that at the moment of the
attack she hadn't had her ticket punched . So the transport contract
wasn't yet in force, and the System had no obligation!
No matter. I had death in my heart. Everything had collapsed
with Antoinette's departure. Because my life was very fragile, you
understand. I had to invent my own kind of happiness, to construct
it. I'm not like other people . Other people have their lives all ready
and waiting for them down to the last detail when they're born, it's
lying there at the foot of their crib . But there was nothing waiting for
me there. I had to invent it all for myself, by trial and error, by mak–
ing mistakes and starting all over again. Nestling bills didn't interest
me anymore. Nor did clothes, for that matter. The great light of my
life had gone out. From pure habit I went back to a store, to the ho–
siery department. I thought it was to start
st~aling
from the displays
again. I did steal , yes, but it was quite a different matter. I discov–
ered what I was looking for the day a store detective caught me red–
handed pinching a nightdress. I'd had enough. I wanted to make an
end of it.
I went to prison. Then they let me out on bail until my case
came up . Ah, but that was the last thing I wanted! I had myself
caught red-handed again in the same store! Then the judge sent me
to a psychiatrist. I could have copped a six months' suspended sen–
tence. First offender, so automatic suspension. And don't let us catch
you again! They must have been joking! Thanks to my psychiatrist,
they classified me as irresponsible. Acquitted by reason of irrespon-
