546
PARTISAN REVIEW
so anxious to leave? asks the doctor, and gives them a friendly pat on
the back. Some of them ask when they can go home the way one asks
for the time. The question is meaningless since they have no fami–
lies, no homes; they don't even really want to leave, only to stop for
a moment the busy man in white, to touch him perhaps, get a smile
out of him, take a few steps with him in the hall. One of those power–
ful men might even call them by their first name. That brief per–
sonal contact could come in handy one day.
The entreaties of those longing for home make the doctors
somewhat uncomfortable. They don't like being thought of as jailers
but cannot forget about the outside world, either, which is so anxious
to have its rules observed and shows so little capacity for forgiveness .
So many demands are made on people outside that the majority of
the patients sent home on trial can't get a grip on their lives, become
disenchanted, and ask to be taken back. But the one who never asks
to go home is also suspect, for apparently he's become totally lethar–
gic; they have to revive him with a little electric cure. Even here it ' s
difficult to be on top of things.
The director walks by; he, too, is nervous about his contradic–
tory tasks. For want of something better to do, he sits down next to
me-we've known each other since childhood. I try to talk his lan–
guage and find it a strain to reacquaint myself with my delusions. Sit
and rest with us for a while, don't say a word; let's greet each other
with a lazy wink, like cats. It's true, we inmates cannot buy a pack of
cigarettes without attracting attention, and we drag along our queer
theater wherever we go; but it would do you no harm to act out your
own plays once in a while. Perhaps you would understand why I
kept silent for months at state security headquarters, knowing all
along that my silence was reason enough for them to prescribe com–
pulsory psychiatric care. It can't be much fun giving politely phony
answers
to
stupid questions all your life. You think you are watching
us; actually, we are taking a good look at you. You are not a bad
man; you know well that our differences are relative. You don't
devise any more dirty tricks than are needed to keep others from
usurping your job. You are right: we are uncertain when confronted
with the norms of daily living; we are much too busy contemplating
the twists and turns of our own thoughts. We are not up to mimick–
ing you with parodistic seriousness, just to be able to roam around
freely.
