GEORGE KONRAD
543
overcautious government that locked me up twice and is forced to
keep on snooping and interfering-its obtuse subjects have yet to
learn that it's good for them not to do what they would like most to
do. I trained thousands of young people to become revolutionaries
just like me; on some I did such a good job that they became my
surliest interrogators at state security headquarters.
I have just eliminated from my favorite cast of characters the
man of action, who assumes responsibility before the tribunal of his–
tory and destroys those who could not elude that tribunal. But I've
also done away with the minutiae-loving pragmatist, who clings des–
perately to his morsels of confidential informations, his crafty half–
truths, his pseudo-important status. And I eliminate the frivolous
dissenter, too, who plays his well-practiced games with his old
friends the ministers. Getting rid of strategies is also a kind of strat–
egy. After a while I do not want to do away with anything. I repos–
sess my own self and leave both my murderous and my suicidal
thoughts behind.
Whoever chooses the hospital releases himself from a state cul–
ture that not only restricts but also protects. I sought shelter among
those who cannot be expected to protect me. They fight with no one,
and no one is envious of them-lower than this I cannot sink. After
so many years spent in prison I drifted home, and here I am so much
a prisoner that I let them reach into my brain; with chemicals or
with electric current they chip off a piece from time to time .
If
no one takes me seriously, and I am left in peace, I can putter
away, pruning trees, plastering cracks-by early afternoon I am
pleasantly tired. I am wholly devoid of the sense of responsibility
that would prompt me to take charge : in two hundred fellow patients
I see two hundred masters. Understanding them is understanding
myself-they all know something I don ' t. In this community of
gray-shirted men and women, I have more freedom than our white–
robed guardians; on this very low rung of the social ladder, a little
crackbrained cultural criticism feeds my ego with delusions of
freedom.
I don't have secret wishes. When I garden , it's enough that I
garden; when I eat, I merely eat. I want no rewards, take no
revenge; what happens to me can only be good . All I wish is that I
will never again want to be on my own; my one desire is to be a
guest, a sightseer, who quietly takes in everything. I am heading
toward unknown ports of call; whatever looms in the distance seems
