44
And : "DID YOU DARE DO THAT?"
"I'LL TEACH YOU A LESSON!"
PARTISAN REVIEW
She starts to slap me but stops and begins to wipe her leg with the
blanket.
I get to my feet, clumsily, hurriedly, holding my snowsuit pants.
When I am on my feet , I think,
run- run-and
then all at once , but
slowly all at once, drowning out every other sensation , is the sensation
that I am undressed and I am here-under-the-porch , in this silence ,
this dust, with her.
There is a vast and unexpected subtraction suddenly-where
there ought to be people nearby, there are none : a shout will not
frighten Nonie because here there are no linkages to inhabitants of the
world and to the future.
It
is not the same here . This is a cave of games .
It is unsafe and odd here .
I took a quick, childish inventory of skills, strengths, resources I
might have, my allies, my ability to arouse love-in someone.
What is this girl going to teach me? What can she make me be–
lieve now? What can she turn the world into at this moment?
This is not a good momen.t .
I start to waddle away :
sqe
looks up, drops the blanket , scoots
along her ass-she does not know this is a mimicry of an epic , a capture
by a giant or by a siren , or that this is a cave-she thrusts her leg in front
ofme : gruntingly, she forces me backward , she pushes , corrals, knocks
me down so that I sit on the wadded-up blanket-she does this with
her fleshy , round-y leg.
Curiosity tempers fear ., There is a stri J?gely biological feel to
ignorance: to
what now.
Also , to anger, to confronting her. I scowl at
her : I look directly into her face and scowl. This excites me-and
increases my anger-perhaps this time I will master the danger of her
having her way with me .
I get up again and see a long mop handle in the dust , and I grab it .
The air is cold, ortingly , I mean, on my belly . One-handed, I raise
the mop handle-and hit the porch roof with it. The vibrations that
zoom along its length-something forces the stick from my hand.
"Ha-ha: look at you-you ' re so stupid-"
This pleases her.
Ifone is helpless-or the underdog-one can rage as much as one
likes-and one is still innocent .
