42
PARTISAN REVIEW
how sick of everything he is, then, for a while .
" He is more afraid of Nonie than of anyone ," Momma said.
Nonie trafficked in innocence .
And in the opposite of it, in accusation , in cruelty .
Daddy used to say , "It's better to leave well enough alone ."
And: " Nonie 's a fine girl-and that's the end of the subject." That
was love and not-love. He didn ' t want to think about her.
IfNonie is playing with other children , the nurse takes me outside
in the afternoons . If I see Nonie, I will run to her, and she will turn
red and yell, "Get away , get him away , I'm busy-"
If! didn't go away but stood and stared at her- without compre–
hension-and if the nurse, who was fat, delayed-Nonie would come
over and push me so that I would fall on my rump (she almost never hit
me in front of witnesses: she ' d learned that was not wise). Sometimes
what she did made the people she was with uneasy- or they ' d point–
blank dislike her : she would blame me: I ruined everything for her
always.
On the whole , it was better for me when she was pretty solidly
defeated .
We play under the porch, and then Nonie has me lie down on the
automobile blanket; and we go through the complexities of her un–
dressing me: she pulls down my snowsuit pants, lifts my shirt and
snowsuit jacket. I am nearly naked.
She wants to enjoy me as Momma does . But also she is curious why
I am loved the way I am .
Nonie poked my belly with a stick: " You have appendicitis: I'm
operating on you. " She said ofmy prick , "It's silly. " She poked it with
her stick. I wriggled . I pushed at her hand . She stuck the twig in my
ear : I struggled; then she stopped, and we played-I think she was an
airline pilot doing an appendectomy in a thunderstorm. Then she tried
to stick the twig into my mouth: I turned my head: she grabbed my
nose , held it, pressed the nostrils together : for air , I opened my
mouth: the twig , its bark , its smell of dust-it had lain in the dust–
entered my
mouth,
touched my palate: I gagged.
Nonie slapped down my struggling arms and legs . "Do what I tell
you! You have to do what I tell you!
We 're playing a game! "
She held my nose and put dirt in my mouth : "This is food-eat
it-you have to eat it. "
