PARTISAN REVIEW
233
"No."
"I knew that would be your answer."
"Have I flown off the handle? I'm very calm. I just said no."
"Why? Try it. It's been a year."
"No."
"Why?"
"I don't think I'm emotionally ready to go out with a woman
yet. It wouldn't be fair to the woman involved. I'm still too in–
volved with my feelings toward J to start getting involved with
dating." That stopped her cold.
If
I didn't know better, I would
think the line was cut. Finally, she said she was sorry. "Don't be
silly. It was kind of you to think of me."
"What--what about sex?"
"What?" I want her to repeat it. "We have this lousy connec–
tion. "
"You heard me."
"Look," I say looking up at the ceiling, "if God forbid Al
died (her husband) , would I call you ten months after and ask you
what about sex?"
"Oh, Jesus, Noel, you have a way of making me feel like
shit. "
"I'm sorry, really. I have to go now. I think I smell gas."
"Gas?"
"Gas. "
I go upstairs to my bedroom and knock. There is no answer. I
open the door. She is sleeping quietly; her buttocks pushed up by
the pillow, hands crossed beneath her, breasts flattened by her
position, eyes ti ghtly shut, her skin strangely white, how still she
seems. The dildo had fallen off the bed and lies on the floor. I sit
down next to her, easily, not wanting to wake her. The pillow that
she is lying on is soiled with the stuff from her cunt. I touch it
with my fingers, sticky, clinging, wet, and bring my fingers to my
lips.
(SHITTIN' SHIVA)
Shittin' shiva is a shit, man. As a matter of fact, as I'm writin'
this I'm takin' a shit so maybe that's why I'm thinkin' what I'm
