82
PARTISAN REVIEW
ain't
going nowhere, but that don't mean I shouldn't try to better
myself."
I paused, then plunged on. "Look-remember the last time I
saw you here when you showed me that tattoo? I don't know how
you got it, but it doesn't really mean what you think--or anyway,
it means something else too. You know what that tattoo means? It
means that the glories of the world all pass away, that the ambition
we all have to do great things is doomed to disillusionment, that even
what we do attain is bound to disappear, just like we must some·
day; it means that ambitions that seem so important to us-you
kno~,
like Hitler's, or wanting to have a million dollars, or to go to
bed with all the beautiful women in the world, or even sometimes
getting a high school education- aren't permanent, finally, and per·
haps aren't even so important either."
"What d'ya mean, not important? What else
is
important?"
"I don't know, exactly ... but when you think how easily any
of us can disappear in the Army, or how soon all of us are going
to die anyway, then my college education, and your failure on that
test, and all sorts of other things so important to us that we
be·
corne wretched and furious over them, don't seem so terribly tragic
and crucial anymore."
"Don't it mean that the shit really did hit the fan then? Isn't
that what you're telling me? Ain't that what it means, when you
talk like this? It's just like the Army again-everything is all set,
everybody's worked their ass off, everybody's waiting for something
to happen, and then the shit hits the fan. Ain't that what you're
telling me about this test and everything?"
"Maybe ... but I still think it means that it's not so dread·
fully important, and not right, to brood about things like this. They
shouldn't mean that much."
For a few moments we sat in silence. I knew I hadn't con·
vinced him. I hadn't even convinced myself, but at least, I thought,
I had corne closer than before to telling him the truth. I had nothing
more to say, so I waited for him to speak. Finally he began.
"When I was in prison camp in Korea there was this kid there.
He was pretty young, but we stuck together. This kid, he was a
college boy, like you. Real smart. We were together there for about
a year, in the same compound and all. I took care of
him
a lot-
