THE RENEGADE
21
converted, he stared over my head with his empty, rusty eyes. Hail!
he was the master, the only lord, whose indisputable attribute was
malice, there are no good masters. For the first time, as a result of
offenses, my whole body crying out a single pain, I surrendered to
him
and approved his maJeficent order, I adored in
him
the evil
principle of the world. A prisoner of his kingdom-the sterile city
carved out of a mountain of salt, divorced from nature, deprived of
those rare and fleeting flowerings of the desert, preserved from those
strokes of chance or marks of affection such as an unexpected cloud
or a brief violent downpour that are familiar even to the sun or
the sands, the city of order in short, right angles, square rooms, rigid
men-I freely became its tortured, hate-filled citizen, I repudiated
the long history that had been taught me. I had been misled, solely
the reign of malice was devoid of defects, I had been misled, truth
is square, heavy, thick, it does not admit distinctions, good is an idle
dream, an intention constantly postponed and pursued with exhaust–
ing effort, a limit never reached, its reign is impossible. Solely evil
can reach its limits and reign absolutely, it must be served to estab–
lish its visible kingdom, then we shall see, but what does 'then'
mean, solely evil is present, down with Europe, reason, honor, and
the cross. Yes, I was to be converted to the religion of my masters,
yes, indeed, I was a slave, but if I too become vicious I cease to be
a slave, despite my shackled feet and my mute mouth. 0, this heat
is driving me crazy, the desert cries out everywhere under the un–
bearable light, and he, the Lord of kindness, whose very name re–
volts me, I disown him, for I know him now. He dreamed and
wanted
to
lie, his tongue was cut out so that his word would no
longer be able to deceive the world, he was pierced with nails even
in his he3.d, his poor head, like mine now, what a jumble, how weak
I am, and the earth didn't tremble, I am sure, it was not a righteous
man they had killed, I refuse to believe it, there are no righteous
men but only evil masters who bring about the reign of relentless
truth. Yes, the Fetish alone has power, he is the sale god of this
world, hatred is his commandment, the source of all life, the cool
water, cool like mint that chills the mouth and bums the stomach.
Then it was that I changed, they realized it, I would kiss their
hands when I met them, I was on their side, never wearying of ad–
miring them, I trusted them, I hoped they would mutilate my people
