LENZ
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praying for Lenz
in
his misery, the maids ran away and took him for one
possessed. And when he grew calmer his sorrow was like a child's; he
sobbed, he felt deep, deep compassion with himself; and these were his
happiest moments. Oberlin spoke to him about God. Lenz quietly freed
himself and looked at him with an expression of infinite suffering, finally
saying: "But I,
if
I were almighty, you see, if I were that, I should not
tolerate all this suffering, I should save, save; for all I want is peace,
peace, so that I can sleep a little." Oberlin told him this was blasphemy.
Lenz shook his head disconsolately.
His half-hearted attempts at suicide, which occurred regularly dur–
ing this period, were not wholly serious. It was not so much the desire
for death-since for him there was neither peace nor hope in death–
as an attempt to recall himself to consciousness through physical pain,
in moments of terrible fear or of a blank calm that bordered on non–
existence. Those times at which his mind seemed to be riding on some
weird and eccentric idea were still his best. Then at least he was almost
at peace, and his wild eyes were not as terrifying as in those moments
of fear seeking for salvation, as in his unending torment of unrest. Often
he beat his head against the wall or in some other way caused himself
violent physical pain.
On the morning of the 8th he remained in bed. Oberlin went to
see him; he lay there almost naked and was greatly excited. Oberlin
wished to cover him, but Lenz complained bitterly, saying that all was
so heavy, so very heavy!; tha t he did not think he could walk at all,
that never before had he felt the immense weight of the air. Oberlin
spoke to him encouragingly, but Lenz remained in the same posltlOn
and would not stir during the greater part of the day, nor would he
take any food.
Toward evening Oberlin was called away to see a sick person at
Bellefosse. The weather was mild and the moon was out. On his way
home he met Lenz, who seemed quite reasonable and spoke to Oberlin in
a calm and friendly manner. Oberlin asked him not to go too far away;
he promised. As he was moving off, he suddenly turned about, came quite
close to Oberlin and said quickly: "You see, vicar, if only I didn't
have to listen to that any more, I'd be cured."-"Listen to what, my
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