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PARTISAN REVIEW
"To hell with Judy. You have your work, your poems-a daughter.
Forget it!"
"Sno damgood." Nothing showed through his eyes any longer,
absolutely nothing.
"Listen!" I said, though I was sure that he was not registering–
just for the record. "You may not remember this, but she's going to
destroy you. She doesn't
want
to destroy you, she just has to. There are
some women who take a man's balls away and they can't help it." I
was explaining, I guess, chiefly to myself. "She has to suck you in like
a vacuum cleaner, because she's a vacuum cleaner. It's simple."
"Goddam milking machine," he added with surprising aptness, mak–
ing in the air the motions of a machine gone mad, pulling senselessly
at exhausted udders, unable to stop. Finally his hands fell into his lap.
"Milking machine," he said again with great effort.
We sat in silence for a long time, looking into the empty, dry gutter
until I thought Hank was asleep; but he turned to me slowly at last,
putting a large hand on each of my shoulders:
«Listen Amsterdam
I
love you more than Judy can more than Judy!"
In the pauses between words he seemed to doze off, rousing himself with
a special act of will each time, as if this were the whole point of every–
thing, and for that instant, I believed it was. This was the final triumph,
to be loved by the man I had worst offended; but I wanted more.
"Hank, can you understand me?"
"Understand."
"You have to apologize-to Herb Ginsburg, to everyone--" I did
not want to say the word "Jew."
"Did I hurt him? Hurt him?" He was half-sobbing. "Goddam
sorry, Amsterdam."
I heaved him up by the arm and led him back down into the lighted
basement room, where everyone still sat in the same place, as
if
held
there by a spell until our return.
"Wanta apolo--gize." Hank lurched and I put an arm around him
again, trying not to look smug. It was a wonder he could stand at all;
but he was immensely strong. "Herb--sorry!"
"That's okay, Hank. You're drunk, and when a fellow's drunk-"
"No. Love the goddam Jews and I'm mashamed, mashamed." He
stumbled over toward Herb, dragging me with him, and clasped him
to his free side. "Veryvery sorry."
"Come to bed, dear." Judith moved slowly toward Hank, looking
at me the whole time, grateful and dazzled and soft. I could feel myself
preening for her and for the rest who stared uncomfortably at the four
