PULL
DOWN VANITYI
"The real poet," he said thickly, "no oyster, no plant."
"Thank you for the beer."
"Thank
you."
"I'm the one who should thank you."
"God damn it, can't I even thank you if I want to!"
453
I do not know why I failed to realize that he was already very
drunk. I only knew that he was not looking at me out of his eyes; but
I did not want to look at him either, for I knew the meaning of his
mask now: the stylized face of the impotent, the cuckold.
I handed him his poems, which he stuck carelessly into a back
pocket of his pants. "I'm glad to say I liked them very much, especially
the group you call 'Family Dinner.' I was afraid I wouldn't."
"What were you afraid of? You didn't
have
to like them."
"Anyhow, I did."
"Thanks."
"You said that in advance." I went on to tell him exactly what
had impressed me about the poems, and what I thought was wrong;
but he only stood there, half-smiling and noncommittal.
If
he was
pleased it didn't show. "You don't believe me? You don't believe you're
a real poet?" Why should he have believed it? I could get no conviction
into my voice, though I was not lying.
"I believe I'm a-" He looked around suspiciously. "Where's Jude?"
"I don't know."
His smile widened slyly, and he walked off, calling back over his
shoulder, "Thanks, Amsterdam. Thanks a lot." But I had wanted him
to be happy, to like me for making him happy. After all, I was giving
up a lot for him. A verse came into my head, and I said it over to
myself.
The cuckold and the cuckold's friend,
They do not lie together;
Yet each holds up the other's end
In every sort of weather!
I tried to remember how I had felt that evening when the speech
was over, and the waves of applause had washed up over me, but it
was all fading from my mind. I needed to urinate, and as I stumbled
up a dark stairwell toward the door someone had pointed out to me,
I bumped into Judith coming down.
"It's you!" she cried delightedly. "You, Milton, and I was sure you
weren't coming. And the party was only for you. For you and me-the
whole party."
I kissed her and we stood looking at each other, neither of us
