Katherine Janowitz
APAM (MY FATHER)
He says I give him angina. I hurt h is heart. "My hear hurts."
This is appropriate. I hurt his heart. He hurt my heart.
Hungarians are metaphysical poets of the heart and Hungarian is one
ofmy father's mother tongues.
tietem
- my life.
Szivem
- my heart.
His latest project - the showerhead lamp. Pick it up - little holes on the
bottom of the base. They gave us killing gas. I give you the fruits of Israel.
Light and water through my house, Daddy. Light and water through my
house.
He wants to kill me. I want to kill him back. I am his German. He is
mme.
My husband tells me I am always looking for the key and this is a
mistake. But I'm the locksmith's daughter, metal shavings
all
over our house.
We are complex, subterranean. We speak too many languages.
I am my mother's daughter and my mother's son. I am my father's
daughter and my father's son.
He was a soldier. He was small but strong. He wanted to fight but
they told him not to fight.
"We loved our country."
I am only a
girl,
Daddy, and not good with guns.
My mother died and left him to me.
I go to the movies and see naked men swimming in the greengold of
England.
He needs bridgework. He has cataracts, sciatica, and Parkinson's, the
shaking sickness.
"I never heard of such a sickness. This sickness is American."
I take him to the dentist. His name is Greenwald. My father thinks it is
a good name, thinks his work is good. But then he thinks the dentist is a liar
and his nurse is a thief
His language is and is not my language. My language is not his.
His is the genius of permanent exile. House and no house. Love and
no love. Uprooted.
Trust no one. I trust no one.
I am Pip, your boy, your gentleman. You shake me till I rattle. You
bend me back.
I bring him cake. Nothing tastes like his mother's cake. Too sweet, not
sweet enough. American.
I never wear dresses. I never meet his eyes.
Nothing is expendable. In this the Germans were stupid beyond belief
I wear brown and gray for half the year. The other half I am an
American rose.
