ZBIGNIEW HERBERT
567
saw it and knew it well. What was your life like with such aware–
ness?
ZH:
I believed that the Stalinist era would last until the end of my
life. I was absolutely sure . Not only I , but also Tyrmand and two or
three friends in Warsaw , with whom I could speak openly. One had
to choose internal emigration , to study Greek architecture, Rubens ,
to borrow foreign magazines that managed to get through . That was
a life of exile . Was it difficult ? Adam Michnik says that I am winking
to my readers when I say it wasn't. In fact it wasn't .
JT:
Let me quote you :
It d idn't require great cha racte r at all
our refu sal disagreement and resistance
we had a shred of necessary courage
but fundamentally it was a matter of taste.
ZH:
Tha t's right! Auden once wrote that he never had any problems
making choices . Choices came to him as a natural thing: he went to
the Spanish war; he was a communist sympathizer; the whole at–
mosphere in the West favored the left, so he flirted with commu–
nism. A lucky man led by the gods. For me only the first decisive
step was a choice - the first "no ." The rest were just consequences .
Let me say something
pro domo mea .
In fact, I wasn't very interesting
for the communists because I did not want to live "at any cost ."
Besides , I had absolutely no political ambitions. For me leadership is
the most terrible thing. During the occupation I was once responsi–
ble for a handful of men . I still have gray hair from that time. I can
take certain risks myself. But to give orders? When I had made my
choice, I had no other way.
It
was a situation like that of a sailor in
the open sea, or of a mountain climber. Or perhaps it was just like
choosing one's profession or a woman to spend your life with - in
happiness and misfortune . These are the natural risks of everyday
life . Besides, I wasn't interesting. I did not disclose my thoughts and
my writing. When I was still a member of the Writers' Union I told
myself that I would never write anything according to party direc–
tions. I simply won't. Can someone who feels no attraction to wo–
men be called an ascetic? I had an immense psychological block . Is it
a virtue, or is it invalidism?
3. Translated from the Polish
by
Bogdana and J ohn C arpenter.
