MARINA TSVETAEVA
207
sometimes, but then you prayed with your own words, with only one
word: Little Lord! Little Lord!
And how you loved this Little Lord, how you believed in Him .
When you became very ill you asked me to come. I was told
that I was summoned to the house by your own wish. I'll never
forget how, before you gave your confession, raising yourself just a
bit , you signaled weakly with your hand for all present to leave the
room . Only your near and dear were there-and what could your
sins have been? But you knew that the secret of confession occurs
alone with the priest, and in this your sensitive heart proved you to
be a faithful son of the church.
You didn't say much to me , but after the absolution, with what
happiness, with what light in your face you again raised your hand,
this time calling your loved ones back into the room .
Dearest Vanya, if only you could see us all-surrounding your
little coffin-from your heights, yes and you do see from those
heights-seeing our tears, our grief, what would you say to us
Vanya, would you want to return here again? No, Vanya, neither
you, nor anyone who has beheld
that
beauty would ever wish to
return to earth, and the only words you would speak would be words
of gratitude. Gratitude to your parents who surrounded you with
such love, and espec ially to your nanny-with whom you were one .
Thank you, mournful old nanny .
Pray for us.
* * *
The mother stood at the head of the bed and-or did I imagine
it?-each time someone approached, she uncovered her son's face ,
pulled something up, which then fell back over him . Over and over
again for each person. Why? Wouldn't it have been easier. ...
It didn't matter what was easier, what mattered was that the
mother was showing him to the world-to everyone, for the last
time, to each person individually. After the "Look, you haven't seen
him yet" of birth-the "Look, you won't see him again" of burial.
Revealing, she concealed (the face in herself) revealing again, she
again concealed-deeper and deeper-until she hid him away
altogether, from everyone, under the coffin cover, until she hid him
away-from the whole earth, in the earth, forever.
The mother was taking her son back into the womb .
In this gesture there was also a simple maternal bond.
