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PARTISAN REVIEW
of everyone else in the name of that one alone. And room for
everyone. Only refuse-and there will be plenty of everything.
"I would suggest you hire these singers (says-the priest)."
"But why not the ones who .... "
"It would be better to have these.... "
"What, do they sing better?"
There is an urgency in the inquiring voice which frightens me,
I don't want to hear the answer.
, 'But I heard that these sing better. . .
"They sing well, yes (Here! Here it comes!) but ... very
dear, whereas the others. . . . "
In the half-darkness I kiss the mother and nanny who pass by.
"You came on foot? Are you tired? Sit down a bit.
"
Without tears, with kindness.
(Oh, the beautiful reticence of Russian grief!)
Why didn't I go up to him? A false shame, false fear of tears
upon first sight of him. The fear of shame and the shame of that fear.
I want everyone to leave, so that right there, standing over him, I
could tell the two of them about you, Rainer, about everything I
know through you. I know that at that moment,
I,
remaining,
was for
them, remaining behind, indispensable. That my place ... was ir–
replaceable. And faint-heartedly, formally saying my farewell, I
leave.
• • •
"Dearest Vanya!"
-the sound of something not heard, but disclosed, as once to my
inner-mouth's inside "Grey-haired dawn" came Blok's "Grey–
haired dawn"-
"Dearest Vanya!"
If
you could see us all gathered here, the church overflowing,
you would probably ask "What holiday is it?" And we would
answer: "It's your holiday Vanya. We're celebrating you."
Yes, Vanya, it is in your honor that we've gathered here in this
church today, this church in which you occupied the humblest place.
Your place is the most important one today. I can see you now, right
here, to the left in the corner-your habitual, modest place. I see
you praying and crossing yourself, I see your bright face, and your
smile.... You were a regular and faithful church-goer-I don't
remember a single service at which you were not present. It's true
you didn't always pray with the words of the prayer, you forgot them
