PHILIP ROTH
175
choring you down to the heart of the matter.
I don't know what else to do
with
my
life.
"I like my lessons," I say , "I learn something every time.
I go away with a clearer idea of simplicity, of taste, of what makes
things just right. It's not a measurable amount of learning, nothing
that would get me a degree from the Delahanty Institute, but it's quite
nice to slip in here and hear about books and life, sort of like a dirty
little vice, this little drop of education. Not enough to fill a thimble, I
admit, but that's what's so corrupt about it. The whole effort comes
down to control, I agree - something I admire so much in you and of
course still have personally to achieve . And will. And will! Less spas–
tic and more mature every day! " "You must go away now ," he says ,
unshaken by my charming persistence and the fact that through his
trousers I'm touching his dick . "Look, it isn't entirely stupidity that's
my problem. There is a large dose of high spirits, too. When one
gets into trouble, it's never the bad times, really-it's the good. It's
the high spirits you have to watch out for. They cause more chaos
than the depressions. They just kill you. I'm a person who has no
feelings that stop halfway. Alas, that's my story." "You really must
go now," he says . "Listen , I take everything back I said about
Jude.
The last part of that book was something. It haunted me. I'm not
saying I'm crazy about Thomas Hardy, I certainly don't see him in
the same league with Dostoyevsky . With Dostoyevsky there's a cer–
tain feeling that there's nothing missing, he's seen it all. Still, the last
part of
Jude-
what an indictment of marriage! The characters come
to life finally, and Sue was magnificent. The last page was extraordi–
nary. 'She's never found peace since she left his arms.' It's the truth ,
and there you are. The truth, to me , is what novels are for. Poor
Jude ," I said. "What else shall I read?" I asked . Those were my con–
cluding words. He just said it again , getting up this time to lead me
to the terrible door that opens out on my zero existence : Take a 747.
Go away .
Well, not only am I not sulking, not slitting my throat, I feel
fine and glad and feel even free. I had to take stock this morning
which wasn't hard and didn't take long. The discomfort sustained has
been fruitful. I agree with you 'and I know that you are right. You
soar above whatever you meant to me before. Go away . My thousand
errors are forgiven in those two words . Go away. Your stamp and
your blessing. For you to have said stay would have confused me.
Inwardly, where my real doubts were, I would have been forever
mistrustful of my judgment. The point is that I knew but wasn't cer-
