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PARTISAN REVIEW
do. I would make him a magnificent present of myself. I intended to
surprise him with it. True, in some places I didn't do all that he sug–
gested because I thought I would still like to do something other than
just collect myself and turn into a little thing in a Brownie uniform
and cotton stockings. The real race was to see if I could do it before
he gave out. I came in second. I set myself a goal of twelve weeks.
Working incredible hours. In a terrible rush . Pull it off by Spring! In
all the time I bought two fiercely expensive skirts and that - and cut–
ting my hair myself- was the limit of my treacherous madness. But I
came in second. I cannot be rescued. I went to Van Cleefand Arpels
and sold my jewels. Rings, diamonds, rubies. I watched my bored
look in the mirror while they looked them over. In love as I was, I
wanted to divest myself of everything cheap, to own nothing, to clean
myself out. In the twilight of her sordid life selling all her jewels.
Arpels gave me the money and a receipt and I relinquished all that
shit: materialism , ownership , possessions, belongings, all my history
of debris. I am clean . But came in second. I emptied his ashtrays,
cleaned his soap dish, put all his dozens of magazines in order. I
would have alphabetized all the books piled everywhere, if I could
alphabetize. The best I could do was dust them . And when I finished
I stroked his walls . I even dared disagree about a novel.
It
would
show him how I'd advanced, and I meant it besides. "I've been read–
ingJude the Obscure
and can't really see why you're so crazy about it.
He is a boring, obvious writer. Jude is a dull, absurd character. Sue
and Arabella are infantile, predictable, lame. Sue is the most inter–
esting because she is the most perverse, but I like Phillotsen best - an
old man with a letch. I'm just halfway, but the only thing that saves
it at all is that it reads like a magazine saga." "Wrong," he said–
"keep reading." So I did, but came in second .
If
anyone knew all the
magic measures I took to protect him, they wouldn't believe I was
civilized. My enormous anxiety about him, my worshipping.
My
life
rides with this.
Let me stay and fight the match inside the ring! Give me
tillJune! I'll read every night until 4
A.M.
Whatever you like I'll do–
I'll sit here on my hands or I'll kill your worst enemy, just give me
three more months! For what requires another year, I'm asking ninety
days! But I cannot be rescued . I had it all together in a backwards
kind of way, and now it's undone, and I am defenseless, stripped,
and scared, and don't look forward to starting elsewhere . Mr. One–
Hundred and Twenty-Seven. Can't. To be the vulnerable seeker
again is impossible . Hope so seductive, and then you're abandoned.
Not the D.A. Nothing could kill him. Poison made him cheerful. He
