582
PARTISAN REVIEW
she done something absurd, dislodging one of her feet from the
metal spur, kicking out wildly at the doctor? ... angering him so
that he'd said something mean and out of character:
You had better
grow up, fast.
And so she did .
But perhaps she did not.
?
In the other room the telephone is ringing. But the sound is
faint and distant and not at all threatening.
A long time ago, a decade ago, Cecilia Heath was in love and
more or less engaged, but nothing had come of it; nothing comes of
so many things, if you have patience .
She keeps her eyes shut tight so that she needn't see the soldiers'
expressions, the grinning flash of teeth, the faint oily sheen of dark,
dark skin; she wills herself not to hear again that command,
Shut up,
keep your mouth shut,
low and throaty, she had supposed it a Southern
accent but in truth it might be any Negro accent at all, New York
City, Baltimore, Washington, South Carolina, Georgia, hadn't Bo
said he was from Atlanta, and what of Arnie, or Shelton, who had
stared at her with such hatred,
Keep your mouth shut or I'll rip offyour
head.
She sees no face, no features; she can identify no one; she has
nothing to report. Philip is quite mistaken- her wallet wasn't
touched . Her passport wasn't touched . Consequently it would be
pointless to report the incident to the authorities, pointless and em–
barrassing to all concerned, the Mainz police, the United States
Consulate, the United States Military Police, pointless and em–
barrassing, a matter of deep shame to both her and Philip. She has
Philip Schoen to think of as well as herself.
Keep your mouth shut or.
. . .
She has scrubbed away all evidence of her attacker. Semen,
sperm. Perspiration. She has discarded her stained underwear, she
will never again wear the linen skirt and jacket, the expensive silk
blouse is ruined past recovery, far simpler to fold everything up
carefully and throw it away. (She recalls as iffrom a distance ofyears
her girlish vanity, her excitement, when she bought these clothes for
the trip; for her honeymoon fling with Philip Schoen
who claimed to be
in love with her.)
No evidence, nothing remains. A few bruises. That
ringing in her head, in her right ear. Impossible to press criminal
charges against a person whose face you have not seen and whose
voice you did not clearly hear, impossible to press charges against
such impersonal anger, such sexual rage .
Your feelings are wounded, aren't they. Not your flesh.
