230
PARTISAN REVIEW
bling. I should've known she was awake. Maybe it's best,
though, that I didn ' t insert my member into her. I rather enjoyed
the tension. It made me trust her, so much so that I told her
several times I loved her. I haven ' t told her that out loud in a
long time. I hope she knows it, though.... To the flesh, as she
says. It's as if ... No. Not really. I started to say that we seem like
strangers, but that's not true. I'm not certain what I mean.
There's a rhythm of ignorance running through me. It's related
to the spiders which she, for some reason, calls herself. She's
wrong in that. She doesn't have anything to do with spiders.
She's healthy, but she also gives off an atmosphere of frailty. I
should help make her stronger. I should show her that I can be
rough. I should maul her a time or two. That would be good for
both of us. It would help clear the fog. It would also be better
than making these goddamned New Year's resolutions out of
season. I say they're out of season. Maybe they're not. We don't
have a calendar. Just each other's body. I hope she enjoys mine
as much as I enjoy hers. When I maul her I'll find out.
Jerome's a liar. We're not in retreat, and if we were I doubt
that he'd survive very long. He's too guarded.
If
he ever let
himself go, the moonlight would drown him. I might have to do
away with him soon.
If
you're reading this, Jerome, my warning
is a gesture of love. I want you to try to maul me. That's a matter
of necessity. Or repressed hate. Hell! I'm beginning to write like
him. I don't know where he got the idea about a source. I don't
believe in one and never did. That's not true. I don't know what
I believe. I am beginning to become like him.
We're ghosts.
Between my last statement and this one we screwed, so we're
not ghosts after all. At least we weren't for a spell. We might be,
though, now. I still think I'll have to kill him. To save myself. I
won't feel alive if I don't. Perhaps later on, when I'm up on the
ceiling, I'll drop down and crush him.
If
I aim right, I'll be able
to snap one of his ribs so it'll puncture his heart. Or lungs. That
would work just as well, though not as quickly. His pain might
even invigorate me into an orgasm; I enjoy them tremendously.
There's only one hitch. I'm afraid that on fatal impact he won't
