JAMES HOGGARD
229
toward some source. I've lost all sense of society. The world has
become private, and she's the one who's moved me toward this
privacy which seems more and more like a source. I'm not sure,
however, that she knows what she's doing. I feel afloat, and she
seems distant. We are calm for now, but I don't trust her. The
calmness resembles sleep.
For chrissake he's the one trying
to
fool me. Calmness!
Sheeeee! He's afraid to admit that I might be destroying him.
Not that I am, but he's scared to admit that I might be. Perhaps I
am. Perhaps he deserves ripping up. He's foolish. The spiders
aren't inside him. The spiders are me. I wonder if diseases are
hiding on the hairs of my limbs. I like to kiss him and
to
rub
myself on him. In fact, I like kissing him as much as I like
screwing him. ... I itch.
I think he's infecting me with something. I don ' t care about
leaving this room either. We have enough food stored up, and if
we run out we can order some more-or eat each other. We do
that anyway. I don ' t love him. I hate him.
But last night when he was crawling the walls I laughed. He
asked me what was funny. After thinking about it, I told him I
wasn 't sure.
If
he'd been crawling up the walls in frenzy, I
could've told him, but he wasn't. His progress up the sheetrock
was masterful. His confidence was breathtaking. I would never
attempt to climb a wall. I'm not sure how he does it. I'm not
even sure why he does it. He doesn't climb walls to release
energy. Maybe he does it for distraction. Sometime I'll ask him. I
think he'd tell me the truth. And if he'd only ask, I'd tell him
how I hang from the ceiling. I wonder how he does it.
If
he
weren't asleep now I'd examine his hands-to see if the pads are
gummy-but he's a light sleeper and I don't want to wake him.
I'm horny. And I have nothing else to write. The moonwash is
so pale I can scarcely see the notebook. I don ' t know if I've made
sense or not. Oh well, such is the anguish of those who no longer
masturbate. I quit fiddling with myself when Jerome and I quit
society.
I should've stirred, because I was also awake and sexually
aroused that night. I thought she was asleep. She was mum-
