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PARTISAN REVIEW
most ridiculous one of all, crazy, a kind of fool. And he 's the
one that people will think is me. And of course the character
named Yulli is not me anyway, just as some character you
might think is you or someone else is not you or someone
else."
But my accuser remains unconvinced. "Look, if anyone is
hurt, it will be me," I add, lamely.
"But why are you writing this book?" he asks with a stern
accusatory look.
"Why not," I respond earnestly. "Why not? I always
wanted to write. When I was a J<id, it was between writing and
painting and sculpture." (did I tell you that I'm a painter, an
arti~t?
And a sculptor as well?) "As I grew up, I realized I
didn 't have to choose between one or the other. I have this
thing about writing a book, these feelings, notions, experi–
ences, I don't know what to call them that I want to express.
Why shouldn't I write?"
"So you think you're Leonardo Da Vinci?" he mocks.
This is supposed to crush me, but secretly I do worry, not
about being Leonardo, but whether there is malice in the
book. Will someone be hurt? Maybe that's why I keep revis–
ing, postponing the day of judgment. Also, another worry. Is
there vanity in this? Is that what it's about? The hope that my
friends will be impressed that I write?
In
fact, one girl says
admiringly to me,"Gee, I didn't know you could write. "
"Oh," I say modestly, "It's really not much." At least I
hope I sound modest when I say it.
"What's it about," she asks?
"Well. it's really a funny book ... oh, it's really funny."
At this point I start to laugh.
"But what's it about?"
I have to evade this question, since I don ' t really know
what it's about. So I repeat, "It's really a funny book." And
then I add, "Some parts of it, though, might make you cry."
I say that so she'll think I'm serious.
"You 're serious about your writing then."
I was right. But I still don 't know what to say. ' 'I'm just
trying to write about a guy who's a painter, and ..." I trail
off. What to say?
"Is there a theme," she asks? She won't let go.
That awful question!
