WILL
AND WAY
395
11.
Miss Flatface's Last Will and Testament.
"To America- I salute you, especially those parts of you which
are not beautiful: Doris Day, for instance, with her gross untroubled
features; your new banks; your candy bars; your parking lots. I
have tried always to see the best in you, and your people who while
friendly and full of fun on the outside are often rather mean on the
inside. But no matter. My life has been spent in the discovery of
you, that is, of myself. I am what I am because I am a citizen of
this
country, and a votary of its way of life. Therefore, let my body
be
cremated and my remains scattered among the cigarette ashes
next to the potatoes which lie uneaten (because you are dieting) on
your dinner plates.
"To the National Association of Mental Health, to Radio Free
Europe (sending beams of hope behind the Iron Curtain), to the
League of Women Voters, to the NAACP (for helping speed the
progress of the integration of our two great races), to the National
Convention of Christians and Jews, to the Girl Scouts of America,
to the Bahai Temple in Chicago, to the University of Vermont (the
college of my choice) -I don't forget the TVA or the Book-of-the–
Month Club, except that they don't need my help-to all the bodies
which contribute to the way of life distinctly American, I would
give generously, if I could I would leave ten thousand dollars to each;
"To my children, who must be grown by now, and have certain–
ly forgotten their wayward mother- Jim Jr. , Mary, and little Wil–
lums, the baby- I leave a mother's blessing, and my aquarium,
which my own mother has faithfully kept for me (or so she promised)
since I left home to marry your father, if the fish have not all died;
"To my former husband Jim, in the hopes that he has long
since forgiven me, all my policies, fully paid up, with the Equitable
Life Insurance Company;
"To Inspector Jug, my contempt, this not being intended to
reflect on the honor of policemen and detectives generally;
12.
"To Mr. Obscenity, the ingratitude he richly deserves.
"(Signed) Laura Flatface Johnson Anderson."
Anderson was Arthur's last name.
