476
DORIS LESSING
have kittens. That is all there was to it."
"Have it your way. But that is obviously not all there
is
to it."
"What upsets me is that I don't understand at all why I
was so upset then."
"What happened? Or don't you want to talk about it?"
"I don't give a damn whether I talk about it or not. You
really do say the most extraordinary things, you and Betty.
If
you want to know, I'll tell you, what does it matter?"
"I would like to know, of course."
«Of
course!"
she said. "In your place I wouldn't care.
Well, I think the essence of the thing was that I must have
had the wrong attitude to that cat. Cats ,are supposed to be
independent. They are supposed to go off by themselves to
have their kittens. This one didn't. It was climbing up on to
my bed all one night and crying for attention. I don't like cats
on my bed. In the morning I saw she was
in
pain. I stayed
with her all that day. Then Luigi-he's the brother, you know."
"Yes."
"Did Betty mention him? Luigi came up to say
it
was
time I went for a swim. He said the cat should look after itseH.
I blame myself very much. That's what happens when you sub–
merge yourself in somebody else."
Her look at me was now defiant; and her body showed
both defensiveness and aggression. "Yes. Its true. I've always
been afraid of it. And in the last few weeks I've behaved
badly. It's because I let it happen."
"Well go on."
"I left the cat and swam. It was late, so it was only for
a few minutes. When I came out of the sea the cat had fol–
lowed me and had had a kitten on the beach. That little beast
Michele-the son, you know?-Well, he always teased the poor
thing, and now he had frightened her off the kitten. It was
dead, though. He held it up by the tail and waved it at me as I
came out of the sea. I told him to bury it. He scooped two
