SONNY'S
BLUES
351
fact, he hoped his eyes would tell me things he could never other–
wise say-"they
think
so. And
if
they think so--!"
"And what do
you
think?" I asked.
He sat on the sofa and put his can of beer on the floor. "I don't
know," he said, and I couldn't be sure if he were answering my
question or pursuing his thoughts. His face didn't tell me. "It's not
so much to
play.
It's to
stand
it, to be able to make it at
all.
On any
level." He frowned ,and smiled: "In order to keep from shaking
to pieces."
"But these friends of yours," I said, "they seem to shake them–
selves to pieces pretty goddamn fast."
"Maybe." He played with the notebook. And something told
me that I should curb my tongue, that Sonny was doing his best to
talk, that I should listen. "But of course you only know the ones
that've gone to pieces. Some don't-or at least they haven't
yet
and that's just about all
any
of us can say." He paused. "And then
there are some who just live, really, in hell, and they know it and
they see what's happening and they go right on. I don't know." He
sighed, dropped the notebook, folded his arms. "Some guys, you can
tell from the way they play, they on something
all
the time. And
you can see that, well, it makes something real for them. But of
course," he picked up his beer from the floor and sipped it and put
the can down again, "they
want
to, too, you've got to see that. Even
some of them that say they
don't-some,
not all."
"And what about you?" I asked-I couldn't help it. "What
about you? Do
you
want to?"
He stood up and walked to the window and remained silent
for a long time. Then he sighed. "Me," he said. Then: "While I
was downstairs before, on my way here, listening to that woman
sing, it struck me all of a sudden how much suffering she must
have had to go through-to sing like that. It's
repulsive
to think
you have to suffer that much."
I said: "But there's no way not to suffer-is there, Sonny?"
"I believe not," he said, and smiled, "but that's never stopped
anyone from trying." He looked at me. "Has it?" I realized, with this
mocking look, that there stood between us, forever, beyond the power
of time or forgiveness, the fact that I had held silence-so long!–
when he had needed human speech to help him. He turned back
